December 18th: Cake and a fwb (single mom)

Another weird night

At work (my old job at DB). There was some party and cake. I had some, but could not have as much as I wanted since I needed to go to the toilet. My stomach was turning and I felt I need to go now! I did not want anyone to see so I thought I'd go home or something. When I was leaving I met Gavin on the way. I thought, No not him of everyone, not now. We joked around for a while and I was thinking how weird his blond curly hair was looking, like he'd gotten a perm. 

I had A's sister, cousin and cousins mom over. A was dressed really nice, had cologne and had shaved his awful beard. I asked if he was supposed to meet someone when he was all "fancy". He said yes. That he has a Tinder date while C is sleeping. He was going to stay at my place until her nap time, go on a date and then come back. I started crying and yelling that he's the worst. That he chose drugs over his family, then when I leave him he decides to quit and then THIS! All his family members were interested in was her. Not what he was doing to me and our family. I asked about the other girl and he told me her name, and where she lives. And said that for once he'll be with someone good looking. I just yelled at him and his family for being so mean and at my house, only interested in his new fwb or girlfriend to be, when he's hurt me and done what he did to his family. I told him he's never to step foot in my home again, and from now on, until we have a meeting with child protective services about his time with C and alimony, he will not see C more than 1h once a week, outside on our house playground. I fell asleep and saw the same again. Fell asleep and saw the same again. Fell asleep, and again this same hurtful dream.

December 17th: ?? (single mom)

I had a long super weird dream. Something with A and maybe Gavin. I'm not sure anymore and it's all on the tip of my tongue but I just can't remember. Something about sex and that guy my sister is setting me up with... hmm.

December 16th: Twins (single mom)

I had twins, one girl one boy. A was the dad. I was alone with them too, as I was with C. I was trying to breastfeed them both at the same time. 

December 10th: Groupie love (single mom)

I was in the home of one of Slipknots members. He wasn't a current member, he was someone new. I can't remember how I ended up there, if it was some accident, a horror story, if I was watchin a movie about a horror story or what. I needed to go to the bathroom, and after a while the guy asked if I was finished, that he needed to take a shower. He had only a towel around him when I opened the door. I stood there talking  to him, and he took of his towel and smiled and said I should probably go now. So I stood there with his towel in my hands, had a super quick look at his penis, both smiled and I focused on keepin my eyes on his eyes. Then I waited on his sofa. Later we went through my pictures and Facebook and i showed him I had been at Sid's a few years back and he called him "Silver" (instead of DJ Starscream). This guy had also put a flagstick in a flowerpot outside his house, with my country's flag on. We sat there on the sofa talking about my previous hangouts with Slipknot and the band in general. Then we kissed. It was weird, kind of like when 2 kids do it... The rest is a blur.

December 5th, 2016: Gavin is back (single mom)

I've had some dreams lately, but fotget them almost the minute I open my eyes. But last night, I had one long dream, already starting to forget things, but I'll try and remember what I can:

I was in the city, eating, next to Gavin, his friend and kids. At some point I was at their table. My mom asked if I was to go to the soccer game, she'd left tickets to. Tickets me and my sister had loked at earlier. I was confused, then thought I could go. When we were all walking away Gavin shouted (as a joke) "You'll never see me again" and I shouted back "I don't care"... I though I should've said something funnier. I started running to make it. Then thinking about posting a picture of me, holding a beer, at a soccer game, just hoping there'll be lots of people or it would be embarrassing. Soon I was in a hotel, with Tony (although I was supposed to be having an affair with A). We were to have an affair. We started making out. All I could see from mirrors were me in a t-shirt, undies and cellulite filled legs. We tried to avoid being seen from the restaurants at ground level, not minding to close the curtains. We went on kissing and touching.. then suddenly he just stopped and started to make a mess of the place. I asked him to stop since I have to clean it all up, and the sticky fluid he was pouring on the carpets was going to be impossible to clean. Then asked why he was suddenly really rude and stopped caring about having sex, he said "I already jerkerd off 1h ago, since it takes for you forever, when you used to have come 4 times in the same time". I told him I have never done that... an besides it's easier now after birth". The rest is a blur. However the dream had lots more about Gavin that I can remember.

November 14th: Old place and Don't mess with me (single mom)

For many weeks, I've had dreams, but I forget them as soon as I open my eyes, and the only memory I have, is the feeling they caused.

We've separated with A, and C and I moved to our own place. Last night I had a dream that I went over to our old apartment, I saw stuff in the window, but the place was still empty. Then I drove back there another day and went in the apartment through the balcony (4th floor). Inside were furniture that I have sold or thrown out. Some baby stuff and our lost mail. I took the mail (well, the important ones) and left. At the ground floor one really annoying neighbour saw me and stared asking a bunch of questions. I left in a hurry, only to not remember where my car was parked. I then started worrying about the new people finding out I've been there since my mail was picked up. I later found myself at the apartment again, when the new owner came in and had some story about me being a cleaning lady or coming in to see if my mail had been delivered there and the door was open because of the cleaning lady. 


I was going to the gym with A, in a really bad mood since he was the typical him, really annoying. When I came in, a friend of ours, Lassie asked if I wanted to go the one gym or where (can't remember name) was. When I got to the locker room some twice as big as me, girl came an threatened me with scissors in her hand. I started yelling at her to bud off, that she can go fu** herself and I'm not int he mood and since it's my friend (Tony), who owns the place, I can have her banned for life, at any second. I then got to be by myself... And even though a gym, somehow I was more to go swimming. 

October 3rd: Gavin again (single mom)

I was having lunch with Sally, Gavin and some other old co-workers. I sat across the table from Gavin, having my feet close to his under the table, thinking about playing under the table. I had ordered 3 t-shirts for him, and had them at my desk (secretly). He came by my desk and said "Could I have that newspaper" (meaning the newspaper with the bag of shirts between it). I handed over the bag, and he was all "no no no" and looking around to see that no one is watching, so he could hide the bag inside the newspaper. Then when he already had the bag, I remembered that there is my address on the package.

I was walking home, and at a round-about there was one black boy (20-something) and one muslim. They both had triggers, and pushed a red button. I realised they were suicide bombers and was just waiting for there to be enough people to kill. I started running away from them, took cover from a street sign and then found a tunnel in the ground. In the tunnel there were 2 US soldiers. I told them about the bombers, and they said they know about them. Then I heard 2 loud noises, like 2 bombs went off, and then the soldiers said "the danger is over, you can go now". 

October 2nd: Travelling (single mom)

I was on a huge cargo type ship, in the middle of the night, in the middle of freezing winter. It was super beautiful, with a black sky, light blue icebergs and a dark sea. I was sitting at the edge in the front, taking pictures and sending them through WhatsApp to my parents. Then I almost slipped, and realised I have C inside, sleeping, without a lifejacket. 

I was in Greece with my mom and dad, and we all were hanging out at the pool. Then suddenly we were on the beach, where it was really shallow water for as far as you could see. I was thinking about taking pictures and posting them on Instagram, but I didn't have my phone on me. Then we noticed a snake, which we all followed, to a place where the beach was divided by a fallen tree. The other side was super dirty with garbage and pieces of trees on the beach and floating in the water.

September 29th: Shitty gig (single mom)

I was with my sister at a concert. It was a topless Russian DJ, who sucked! She was terrible, just putting on a record and then pretending to DJ. I had to go to the toilet, got a terrible diarrhoea, and luckily missed out on most of the show. When I got out of the toilet, my sister was waiting for me and told me that the show is cancelled and everyone has to leave because there is a risk that the building will collapse. Then we walked to my car.

September 28th: Someone is out to get me (single mom)

I was sitting in a jacuzzi when I heard someone say "I'm going to kill you". I got up and went to take a swim instead. I made a really nice jump, but the water was like jelly, and bouncy, so I was never able to land head first. Then I went to the sauna with the 3-4 other people I was with, when one of the people said that he/she died of lung cancer. That was what mu cough was, cancer, and I was dead. 

September 22nd: Just walking trough (single mom)

I was with an old colleague Erik, walking in to Gavins house, through his balcony. We came through he window in to their kitchen. He was home with his girlfriend. Erik was supposed to stay for dinner, but I was just walking through their house, down to the front yard, taking a shortcut to the Bus stop. 

I was visiting my old job (DB), which was like a book store. Gavin, who had partially gray hair, was super cold towards me. There was a cash register, and my old classmate Cami Funck was the cashier, and when I went to talk to her, another old classmate, Kitty, was super unkind and telling me that Cami can't talk to me because she has customers. I was then wondering where C is, and rememberder she's with Cami. I walked to Cami and C was playing with her and 2 other kids. 

September 14th: Pokemon eggs (single mom)

I was walking in the city center and there were poké syops evertwhere and I got eggs from all, and one super egg, until I had 9 which is the most you can have, and 2 was in an incubator. 

September 10th: Work starts now (single mom)

I got picked to be a web editpr but the work started that morning. I was folding laundry when the future Boss told me i got the job. I had C home and talked about 2 weeks notice to kindergarten, but my Boss said I need to start working right away. Suddenly I was at work, only a few old collegues reacted to me being there, Gavin did not even look at me. One old collegue asked whar I was doing there and I just gave a hint. Then i started wondering how I could leave C at home alone, at only 11 months and that I need to get home. I lookes at the security vamera and she had went to bed, although she actually should be in kindergarten since it was a Tuesday. It started raining inside (the fire alarm must've triggered it).

I was at a sauna with collegues and A, aupposed to go swimming. There was no privacy to shower, and I told A that I can't stand naked infront of everyone. I went to the batheoom and then realized I had forgotten my bathingsuite. 

September 7th: Running into Gavin (single mom)

I was supposed to go drop off clothes I sold, to a woman at her make-up company headquarters, but even if I knew where I was going I endes up at the company shop close by. I decided I'd look around, even if I barely use or need make-up. A's sister Sarah's friends were there and then suddenly Gavin walked in. He was suoer happy to see me, asking how I've been. I just talked about C all the time, and asked him how he was. He was just smiling and telling things are good and that he's having coffee with Sarah and her friend, Ella, who was already there, waiting with some other friends. I thought it's super weird, and got jealouse, that Gavin is having coffee with them. I acted a little distant and then he said we should have lunch someday. I thought it'd be great but probably still not happening... When I walked away, to where I was supposed to go in the first place, I was only thinking how bad I wanted him, started thinking how it'd ve to kiss him... Again... After such a long time...

September 4th: More kids (single mom)

A wanted to have another kid, even though separared. I said we can't afford it or have time and not even living together. He said he'd really love to have another with me. I started counting that it might take up to 2 years, but there's the risk that I'd get pregnant on the spot again, and/or we'd have twins. 

Aug 26th: Some crazy shit

I was going to have sex with A and my friend Jones. 

I was at a zoo with my dad, and he ws taing picures of a bear, when a lion grabbed his arm and almost ripped it apart. 

There was a lake, in the city, which was used as a parkinglot during the winter, since it was frozen solid. I wasn't sure if I should leave my car there or not. 

Aug 20th: Don't look

I was hanging out with a friend, Joe (who I've almost had somethong with but never even kissed, because I'm afraid that if I do something the friendship will end). We were at his place and I was teying not to do anything with him, until suddenly he decided to take a shower, and did not in any way try to hide anything. I did not want to see him naked, since I still have that fantasy about having sex the first time with a guy without seeing or touching his penis before he puts it inside. He was talking to me the whole time and about us having sex and at the end it was impossible not to look at him, at all, while talking, so I saw all of his body, and it was not quite what I had expected... He was so pale, and his penis normal size but quite thin for his bodytype... 

Aug 18th: Lemon penis and stressful driving

My sisters ex was hanging around with me and my parents. He was naked, but I could not see his front. My sister has told me he has a "quite big" so I was trying to see if it was. At the end of the dream I saw his penis and it was shaped like a lemon.

Somethig about a parking garage.

I was dricing and always taking the weong turn and having to drive the same stressful scary road over and over until I found a way down, on the the normal road.

Aug 9th: Pokemon egg

I let loose a Pokemon egg from my phone, and watched it drift away along the shore. I started running along the river and at this small bridge it had got stuck and a girl was picking it up. I told her it's my egg and ment for babyC. Whem I told the girl where I had let it loose, to prove here it's mine, she said "oh then I don't even want it", and walked away with her friend.

Me and Caroline were going upp a hill, taking a shortcut, but I was unable to make it to the top, I always slided down. So I threw my shoppingbags to Caroline, went back sown and took more speed and tried again.

Aug 4th: Missing shoes

C dropped her shoes over and over again on our way to and at the grocery store, and I had to go back and forth to the store. Then I tought I left the shopping bag at the store, although I didn't. While looking for C's shoes I found a bunch of pacifiers on the floor and under shelves. 

July 31st: Post pregnancy check

I was going to the toilet and then met my doctor and we went to a toilet for handicapped. Suddenly there was an examination table and operating light next to the toilet. She made a full postpartum check to me.

July 29th: forklifting inside

We had pur downstairs neighbours visiting and A was driving a forklift inside.

July 23rd: apartment hunting

I was supposed to rent an apartment in this small summertown by the sea. Then I met my old classmate Cat. She was buying one with her fiancé. Then, since she was mu babyC's dad, in a way, she suggested I move in with them. They were getting thia huge apartment with windows from the floor to the ceiling, an ocean view, and 5 bedrooms. I was going through the rooms and suggested I'd take the smaller master bedroom and C could get the small bedroom at the end, with a walk in closet. Cat then said she's not too fond of walk in closets. Then she said the rent would be 3700€... Which was double from what it'd coat of I had a place for only C and me.

July 21st: Blueberries

I was picking blueberries to my babyC.

July 20th: Off the bed

My babyC almost fell off the bed again, while I had her sleeping in my bed, but luckily I cought her just at last minute.

July 18th:Sharks

I was at some building and had to get to the other side, to the door. There was deep water all over and theese floating things I was supposed to jump on. I was half way or further whem someone told me that there are huge sangeroush sharks in the water. I threw something that made the water go blurry in the water to get the sharks to not be able to see me, but the effect lasted just a few seconds. At the end I made it in one piece to the door.

July 16th: Wrong direction

I was driving in the outer oarts of the city and got bit lost. I was suddenly driving on the opposide side of the highway, against all traffic. I made a quick turn, until I saw the cops. I drove to a side street and they did not follow. Hoever I had problems finding a take off lane tonger to where I wanted to go, and just ended up furher away from home.

Something about taking the subway and not being able to buy a ticket because I pushed the pin wrong and some lady taking me aside to help me.

July (beginning): My life is fucked up

Recently I've had dreams about fighting with A. Where I shout at him about him not caring about me nor our daughter. Where I shout at his friends and father. Such as this afternoon while I was taking a nap I was on an island, supposedly A's summer place. We were supposed to be together but he put on "going out" clothes, so I asked if he's going somewhere? "yes, to a party". So he was again leaving me alone, to go with friends, drink and smoke weed. After which I shouted at him and his friends, so that my throat hurt. Then I told everyone that I want to go home. I'd rather take care of the baby at home. But A's farther told me that there is no room in the boat. I was left alone. The island was suddenly a lot bigger, and I was on a sort of a Bus stop. I asked how I can get off the island, and some older lady told me there is a ferry leaving soon. People were already running. Then I tried to find someone who was smoking, so I could bum a cigarette, since I did not have any, having meen smoke free for over 4 weeks. 

A few nights ago I had a dream that I was with friends, on a vacation, something with a boat, our boat, and taking pictures, and my sister steering the boat in a weird way. 

June 30th: A terrible hotel room

Again, with old co-workers, such as Gavin, at some Bath or Hotel or both. I had a wetsuit on when at the Bath, since I'm unhappy with my post pregnancy body, and ashamed of it. I had some to do with Gavin. At my room, when I got it, I had to put the trash bins where I wanted and in the bathroom there were make-up on behalf of the hotel. But it was old, used and so 80's. The room itself was terrible, with no window and brown interior from the 70's or 80's. I tried to put it in a condition where I could dare to ask Gavin to come in. About the make-up I was wondering if I could just throw it away or hide it, since I could not have Gavin think it's my make-up. 

June 29th: Killer Crocodile and a vacation

Me and my sister were on vacation or something at this huge house or mansion by the beach. Next door was a party and it was a DB party. I met lots of old colleagues and was looking for Gavin. I saw him a few times, but he never noticed me. Then when I was inside I met an old friends, who was expecting their second child. Then Gavin noticed me. We had a talk. (Can't remember about what and how it went). Back at our mansion, late at night, my sisters black poodle run out to the sea. Suddenly a huge super angry crocodile tried to attack and I called at the dog to come inside, quickly before the crocodile reaches us. Then it attacked a deer, which was with a rhino, or half a rhino. It was a total bloodbath. Then it looked like it was snowing, but where we was, snow was not possible, it was sand that was soft as flour, and I asked my sister to come an look and I took a photo. 

June 28th: 8 dogs and a killer truck

I was in the City Center, close to where my old job at DB was. Gavin was there with 8 dogs. When he noticed me (I think I was with my sister), we got to talking and then he was about to give us a ride. He had this HUGE monstertruck, which was a BMW and then another truck, with which he gave us a ride. 

June: Fights, woodpeckers and the 70's

We had broken up with A, and he had already made up 10 dates, within just a week. I was furious.

I was planting cucumbers and there was a woodpecker who stole the seeds. It was small, and red. Did not look anything like normal woodpecker, more like a "firebird". I got to pet it. 

A and I were living temporarily at my grandparents house, which was really old school, like 70's style. We decided to stay longer and started to change things to more current style, more "us". 

June 24th: Dirty doctor & a ribbed penis

I had to go to the dictor and I got this one doctor who I've a complaint about. I tried to hold it together but shouted at him, told him he's a sick pervetic man who I can't stand to even look at and I'm still sick from how he treated me at the post pregnancy check. Nurces were listening and the looked like they understand me. The doctor tried to explain his behaviour, but it was such bullshit. 

I was in bed with a friend (who's a sort of "close to, but never done anything"). I told him I did not want to see his penis, nor touch it, I want to feel how it feels inside (because he'd a big guy and should have atleast a normal size penis, but I'm afraid it'd be small). For some reason, however, I gave him head as foreplay. His penis was vertically ribbed. I thought it migght be if he's shaved and then some hait was growing back. In the morning I noticed he was living with lot's of people or a roommate and was wondering if he's got a girlfriend or what the hell... He had atleas very clean sheets, in bithe beds. I wanted to make his bed but felt weird with the other peoplw being there, and he jad already left for work.

June 23rd: Töölö

I was going to Töölö (part of Helsinki). I had baby C with me. For some reason I did not drive all the way, took a wrong turn and decided to walk the last part. Ehile still drivong I was thinking how beautiful that part of the city was (where ever I was). When walking I was thinking if I should move to Helsinki. It was a sunny hot summer day. Then I was in Kallio, and some older lady stood at the street looking up, at a white drug addict really skinny woman holding a black approx. 6-8month baby girl, and smoking. I was thinking "omg poor baby, I hope she doesn't die, having to breathe all the smoke". Continued walking and told baby C that we're going to ride a tram.

June 21st: Haircut

I was on my way to the hairdresser with my sister. We were running late and I was hoping that I won't loose my booking. We finally found the place (can't remember what it was called). A super tiny place, where my sister had gone before. The hairdresser, a man, asked if I was "the 20", although what he meant was "the 10 o'clock", and it was now 20 past. Yes. Then I realised that I had just been to the hairdresser a week ago, and said I don't really see the point in me being there. Then he said he has to charge me for one hour, so he can cut my hair for an hour. I said, ok, that I could try some new cut, like my sisters, and looked at her dark short hair. I sat in the chair, that bent like a dentist chair, and lay there while he started to cut really short bangs for me, and I was thinking what the hell will come out of all of it. 

Last week: Neihbours going on vacation

One of my neighbours was going on a one (maybe 2) week vacation and they had with them clothes as they wew moving. Such as s rack with 3 tiny bear jumpsuits/costumes, even though the kids are aldready something between 7-14 y.

Away we go... to a job interview?

I was on a plane on my way to Amsterdam, sitting backwards, because some rows were like that. I was looking around and saw my friend Heidi on the same plane, I waved and she smiled back and waved. Then sje came over to talk, whn we were already picking up high speed on the runway. I though we were lifting, but suddenly we were driving among all other traffic and the plane was more like a Bus. Then we came to the old capital city (T). There we sat in this super small airport without any service, just one tax free shop. We waited and waited and were supposed to be arriving in Amsterdam but was still at the airport in T. Then people were asked to come in this one room, one by one. I asked what it was about, and was told they are hireing new flightattendents. I was thinking that "what the hell, we should be flying" and counting how few houra I'll have in Amsterdam. Suddenly I remembered that I had forgotten to take with me my testimonials from my previous jobs, since I have a jobinterview tomorrow. I checked if I still had them in my email and was rhinking on ways to get them on paper or if I should just mail them to the interviewers. Then I looked at my shoes and I was wearing black torn Adidas Superstar sneakers. Again thinking "shit the interview", but cama to think that I can buy 10€ ballerinas in that one shop in Amsterdam. Then I saw a bag on a bench, with text and pictures indicating it had to do with a kidney transplant, however, it was not a transplant box.

Past 3 nights

I was at my parents house an talking to them about shoes and handbags, especially Ralph Lauren.

Something about stickers. I was looking at stickers with my friend Hannah, to put on my and C's mixer. And my mom was also kn the dream.

C got a Brio walking vagon and she started walking with it, which I told A, who then said "I know, she did it yesterday too".

Moving

I was driving home from my parents with C on my lap (dear god), driving 100kmh, then because I couldn't focus, down to 90 and 80. In the middle of the hill, on the exit lane, I was in the woods, walking with her. I thought I probably shouldn't be walking here, and run in to some people and then houses. They wew to look at the area where new houses were to be built. We all went in one older, but same brokers house. Some other guy than A was half hugging me. Before I knew it I had signed a lease for the house and had 2h before we were to have some guests. The apartment was smaller than our current. The last resident had left some of her things there, like old messing lamps, some plants and her guineapogs and a cat on the yard! I had our cats too. With A there, he'd brought some old stuff he's dad gave him and had already started to put them somewhere. I had problems with the guineapigs and the 5th cat. It got to the neugbours small rabbits and I was svared it will eat them. When going throught the apartment, the bathroom was super tiny, a jacuzzi eith a shower in it, I could barely turn i the bathroom. Then the downstairs was just the kitchen and a divided livingroom. I started rhinking that I haven't even seen the upstairs, if there's any closet space. And we still hadn't ended our lease of the old apartment. A was planning on brining more stuff there...

May 28th: Dude, where's my car?

I drowe to work and then when at the normal parking lot I couls not see my car anywhere. I thought where the hell did I park it? And I must have driven because I never take the Bus. I just went to work. Again DB. Gavin wasn't there. Later, it was supposedly 2-3 days later, our executive assistant told me he's swimning (just a morning swim, coming soon). Then I had to varry my cat Ashley. Later Milky. There was some huge fight with A, me sayig how I'm taking the cats and leaving!! I was looking around and all the surrounding buildings where half finished. Up to ground floor or "living floors", hte apartments were ready, but everything below was left half finished and the balconies just full of building material. Then I was carrying our cat Pelle, with Pine. I told her I have no idea of where my car is, and wondered if she could give me a ride to where I usually park it. She said yes, the area is just around the corner,but had to out nore money on her Bus ticket first. (Then little miss sunshine woke so no idea if I would've found my car)

May 26-26th: Crazy driver

A couple of nights ago I had a dream about my moms car. 

My mom called that she needed her old Fiat because her new Ford broke. So I was about to go huve her the car, whn on my way, in the middle of the winter and my baby on board, I drowe carefully. Some guy drove like a crazy person stuck in my rear and me gicing him the finger almost all the way. I was super mad that he did not understand that it was super slippery, I had a shitty old car and my baby with me. He thought I was deiving too slow (even if avcording to speed limits).

Rescuing Pelle

Some woman and "cher crew" had stolen my cat, Pelle. I went to rescue him and then had to put on a raincoat and scarf so no one would notice it's me. I grabbed him and run around the city, trying to find a pet store, where I could leave him to deal with the evil woman. At one point he slipped from from my arms and the woman was close, so I was really svared, screaming Pelle, Pelle, come here. Luckily I got him back and people were looking at me like I'm some crazy person running around with my cat under my arm.

How I want you

I was back at DB (again, but nor sure if working or just visiting). Me and some collegues stood at the line in the canteen.  Suddenly Gavin was right behind me. I took my fork and knife, and I could feel his breathe on my arm and my neck. I stayd cool, although thinking how I want him. We started talking about this derivatives case, that involves the police and a former collegue. Suddenly that guy was there with us, dressed in only white. I then noticed that I forgot to take a tray, when there arctually wasn't any. My former best friend at work told me they have their own, but I got to borrow one from the kitchen. Then I was at the juice bar and man was there lots to choose from so I had 3 different kinds, of which one was berries. Then when I went to the salad bar, Gavin followed me and while he said something about the case, he kissed me on the cheek. We sat at a table, Gavin next to me, and everyone else around, but leaving no room for the guy in white. Gavin had 3 white gold rings, one manly with stones, some "just a ring" and an engagement ring, but so did I, have my engagemnt ring on. There was this sexual tenaion between us during the meal and discussion with the other collegues.

Past 2 weeks

Again, I've had lots of dreams, but mostly get interrupted and have to react to the babys needs and quickly forget about the dream, or small details. Besides semi realistic things (like things about the baby) I've seen:

I got my old DB job back. I started, the former CEO had not got fired and said "We should've never let you go, everyone was right that you are great at what you do". Gavin was still working there, and had his own team (which he actually now has, but I did not know that then). He never really noticed me. I asked what I should do, since there was still that blond temp doing what I used to. I told that asshole CEO that I've been looking at "my" old webpages and found lots of flaws, so he said If I wanted to, I can start correcting them, so I did. 

At a shopping mall, super expensive, did not afford to by C anything, but was still looking at baby clothes and stuff. Then I went to look at hand bags and everything was super expensive. For a bag that would normally cost around 100-150 eur was everything between 600-1000 eur. 

There was thins empty big room, like an middle of nowhere office or youth cafe or something, with big windows on one wall. I had to watch C since she had shat up to the middle of her back. There was no lighting, just the light from outside. There was a shower and a white old dirty shower curtain, but you could only cover one wall of windows, so either everyone walking by or anyone who was looking in from the yard side. I had to shower too since I was then in shit, but had to struggle with the curtain and C in my arms and it was a pain in the ass. Then I put it up on one wall with these Ikea curtain hangers, and when looking at it from outside, it was showing like a big tarpaulin. 

Lately

I've had dreams, but forget them almost immediately after waking up. Most have been pretty realistic, like me bathing our baby (let's now call her "C"), and she's about to drown, and I quickly take her up from the bathtub and in a panic put her on her side so she can cough out the water or that A has brought her to sleep in our bed, and just when I'm about to wake she's falling off the bed and I grab her, at which point I have woken and grabbed A instead :D.

Last night I had a terrible headache, and when I woke I felt feverish. I had 2 dreams. One where I was abroad in a shopping mall and while A was in one shop I looked around and found a toy/children's clothes shop. There were lots of clothes on sale and while looking for something for C, I found a Burberry satin romper, for myself. I tried it on and it was perfect and I thought I can use it as a party top with jeans or just a sexy pre-sex outfit with A. I was unsure of the price since it had so many prices and percentages on, like 85 and 65. The cash register boy however took 35 eur for it. 

The second (now in the morning) I was driving home from A's cousins house and took a new road and it was super steep and I was thinking "oh no shit", but I continued driving. Then I was on what looked like a light blue roller coaster and I kept driving on the rails, even upside down. I was super scared. When I was almost done, though at the bottom, I stepped out of my car to take a breath. Then I found out that the whole thing was filmed and I saw a piece and I was there happy, jumping around, and drinking, though I had no memory of any of it, I had just been driving a roller coaster road for apporx. 2 minutes. 

Oh I did have 3 dreams, one was something about me being at my sisters workplace (at the stables) and the ranch owner had started their front yard project so everything was torn up. 

Past two weeks

I've seen lots of dreams, but mostly get waken up by my bG or one of the cats, or A, so I have a hard time remembering the dreams. All I do remember is that most have been pretty "normal", could happen in real life stuff, and then in one dream I parked my car, the tire started smoking, then my car got on fire. I was thinking "great, now I get the insurance money and can buy a 5-door car", and so the fire stopped an my car was fine. And last night we had to move back to our old apartment, for some weird reason. The current residents just had to leave and we were there in the middle of their stuff. I started gathering their things they had just left there so we could live there for, I think, 2 weeks. 

Shopping

I was with a friend (and maybe my sister) out "shopping". I was holding my friends bags, so I had 3 or 4 and was saying "hope no one thinks these are all mine".. that I'm some "crazy bag lady" and was fooling around with the bags. Then I noticed a pair for light blue Chanel shoes on a top shelf. I really wanted them, but they were 225 bux. And I thought it's way too expensive for me, with my parental allowance. 

Choking baby and back to work

My bG was vomiting and had really bad watery diarrhoea. 

I was back at work, don't really know who had hired me back or what I was supposed to do. I started cleaning up the web page mess the blond who was working in my place had done. My sister sat next to me, doing something. Then Gavin went to the coffee machine, like I' never left that job. Then Irina came and said "that's misspelled..!", I told her I'm not finished, asked what product page and hadn't even started on that one. The amount of errors on the page made me say "I just wish I had my own pet shop".

I heard weird sounds from the baby monitor and went to check on my bG and her mouth fast full of some stuffed animals filling and couldn't breathe, so I started to take it out and there was just coming more and more out of her mouth, but she was able to breathe better for every piece I took out. 

Fluffy cats and crazy neighbours

I was sleeping with my bG next to me, and on of our cats, who was super fluffy and huge.

We had just moved to out new apartment and I was going crazy because of the neighbours. I was already thinking that I want to move. In front out our building they were building another house. Suddenly people had moved in. From our bathroom was an opening to an apartment which wasn't even finished (although neither was that bathroom, but it was free access to our apartment. Suddenly someone opened our door and looked inside, luckily went back out. It was some worker guy who didn't know our apartment was already finished and we had moved in. Because our next door neighbour was super loud and crazy I posted a note on their door wishing they'd be more quite because of our baby. When they saw the note the guy went all crazy. Started yelling and acting totally insane. I looked through the door eye and he was dressed like a girl, with fake lashes and everything. The girlfriend was super calm and looked embarrassed. Then I also noticed that I could get a parking lot inside, on the top floor of the building where our apartment was, was a parking lot and I could get a space right outside our bedroom window. When I did park my car there, some jerk neighbour parked his and I said I have to get my kid out of the car on his side, so I kindly ask him not to park his car too close to mine, or I have to call him and ask him to come and move his, for me to get my kid in or out of the car. 

Past 2 nights - full moon

I've seen a lot of dreams for the past two nights, each more crazy than the other. I can't remember much when I wake in the morning, should've written notes down at night, but was too tired to do it, here's what I do remember

I met a former colleague, who married my former boss. She had a huge diamond ring (only in it for the money) and they had a kid and all. I was then to go live in her apartment (temporarily) so I went to check it out. First everything seemed really great, but then I was a pair of feet sticking out from under neath a blanket. I asked and "oh it's my roommate". She had a roommate sleeping in every single vacant room, and even the closets. I was thinking it will never work, mo god I don't want to live with 10 other people. My former boss then stood by the window and looked scared or disgusted. I asked what's wrong and why aren't they living in some fancy apartment, in his apartment, and he said his ex had drained him from everything, even his apartment. And hi hates Taras place, that "look there's some guy standing in the street". When I asked about the amount of people living there he said "Well look at this place, you can't afford to keep it without renting out some rooms". The place was worn out, old, not fancy.. it was just big.

I was to go get my bG form her room, when A grabbed me for a hug. Suddenly there was some ballot show that started playing in front of us, with half naked dancers, with really tiny boobs but they all had the exact same small light brown puffy nipples. Most had only some stocking type of pants and some underpants on. The music was some " dumdididumdadidum HUNGEEEER....." over and over again. It was awful, and I wanted A to let me go so I can go to my bG's room. 

A horrible mother in law and baked goods

I was at the airport waiting for my mother in law to bring me my ticket. Who A's other relatives where treating me like garbage. They were on A's moms side, on the matter that I might be leaving A because he's a jerk and taking my bG with me, or too afraid to go against her. I suddenly, while waiting took a shower in some bathroom at the airport, where some younger guy was too, I was embarrassed by my post pregnancy body but he didn't mind (he as fully dressed). We mostly just talked about what stuff there was in the bathroom, like a jacuzzi etc. When I was done, A's mom was outside with everyone else. I did not get a plane ticket since she had cancelled mine. I cried to her boyfriend about it but he was too afraid to go against her. 

I was looking for some baked creamy goods, and looking around checking that no one could see me buy any sweet creamy stuff, since I should loose weight. 

Not sure if last night or the night before: Were about to shoot fireworks, instead there were planes, like super futuristic, starters kind of planes and one went up, stopped, and down from it was a ski slope that 2 former colleagues was snowboarding down, and then came to talk to me. 

After becoming a mom

A while went by when I did not have the chance to sleep enough to dream, or I was too busy taking care of the baby to have time to write down anything and then forgot what the dream was about. But here are some, and the last two nights (from oldest until today).

November 22nd 2015
I was in an elevator that never stopped on the right floor, and there was some touching hands that came from the walls. Than A appeared and pushed a button and the elevator stopped at this huge square, and I saw our hotel. We had a fight. Then this fat chick from school, Susanna, walked past me with a pink shirt. Then me and A made up. 

Something about a party, I took a piece of bread from a bag and asked A something about him and weed, he took a bad and said "yes 2 different kinds" and I got a bit upset and worried that he was going to smoke in my dads new car and will drop the joint and burn a hole in the seat. 

December 5th 2016
A had bought a house and left me alone in it. It was from the 70's or something. It was getting dark outside, and there was no lights in the house. It was very scary and many doors outside that were all unlocked and a very scary basement so I ran outside and no neighbours near by and I was too afraid to go back inside. 

December 10th 2015
I was at some seminar and I had my bG (baby girl) with me. Suddenly I was outside, and drove in a ditch. All I could think about was my bG, is she ok. She wasn't with me. I went back to the seminar, where I apparently had left her. I had no memory of why I had left. I noticed some social worker had come and taken my bG, and since she was coughing, they said she had to stay with them, because I have left her alone, even though it was not my fault, I had lost 2h worth of my memory. 

December 18th 2015
There was a party at a friends house (near A's grandparents). A wasn't with me. I was talking to my mom, while checking out Chris's (my best bud from kindergarten) pants, well.. his "junk". He noticed it and asked me to follow him. I staid on a sofa and slept. When I woke he said he thought I'd come upstairs with him. When I went upstairs my bG was there in someones lap, with her head hanging down and was just laughing (but head filled with blood) so I yelled at the girls who was supposed to take care of my bG that she will het a head injury when they keep her head upside down. Then I was thinking that I hope A isn't at his grandparents and sees that I staid the night at a friends house. Then Chris's cousin kissed me and I thought I saw A walk to a car, but it was someone else. 

I was at a party and my ex Nick and his friend Jose was there and some girls were like "wow" and then Nick came and said hi, dressed as a tranny and had only on a see through top, and showed off his new silicone breasts. I told him I had become a mom and criticised his clothes and then after a while he came to seek for some sympathy dressed on underwear, some shirt and suspenders. Then I was talking to my friend Jonathan, who was congratulating me snd I was in a hurry to get to our bG pre-namegiving party at 3pm (15). Then I askd Hannah if it wasn't at 5 (17). Then I suddenly had 2 jackets with me and 3 pairs of shoes. At the store I was supposed to buy fish to my cats, but there were only packages that costed 10€ each and I started to open them at the cash register so they would melt faster, and found packages that costed only 3€. I then had 2 of each and it only costed 15€. At our house we had some games and drinks at the party. One game was that you had a weapon and you were supposed to stage a suicide and then take a picture and post it on Instagram... All the games were like this, and funny. 

December 29th 2015
Slipknot was playing at this venue for about only 50 people. Corey was Irish, it was dark, and everyone was clapping to the beat of The Blister Exists and I answered with my claps, but instead suddenly some Irish River Dansce music started playing. I went back stage and met Marilyn Manson and ? (I can't remember who the second person was) and asked fot a photo, but my own phone was in my jacket pocket, and my jacket was somewhere, but got a pic taken. I put loton on my hands and one of the guys sniffed my hands and the other was looking like WTF?!? When I went back to see Slipknot everyone had left, so I saw A and went over to him and he told me that someone had made a double booking so Slipknot had to stop their show. The band was on their way to the car when I just barely got to take a picture with Corey, although I was suddenly topless so I had to make sure my boobs were covered on the picture. When I got my photos from the photoshop someone had blurred out all the celebrities. When I called the photoshop to complain they said "You have to have the celebrities written permission, or we have to blur them out of the picture". 

I had a baby, that was like a worm. I accidentally dropped it on the ground and it started to vomit water and was looking at me with very sad watery eyes, like it was hurting in every way. Then suddenly it started to change in to our black cat, and I was relieved when he was ok, although a lot smaller and thinner than he is now. 

January 1st 2016
A had put my bG between a chair and the sofa, so she had fell in between and I could only see the head (and she was blond). She then wanted food, but I did not have time to give her any right away, so she started walking on the sofa, vertical on the back cushions (like towards the ceiling). Her head was hanging since she could not still hold it up. Then she jumped on the floor and I tried to get her and my phone to take a picture, as proof that my only 3 months old girls is walking and running. Them my sisters dog, K, was at our apartment and was like she came possessed by some evil spirit and she grew and became very dangerous. She tried to attack all my cats. I had to put my bG and cats in the bedroom and the dog on the balcony. I hurried to pack things so we could leave. The balcony door handle was loose and almost had came off and the dog attacked the windows and tried to come inside. In all the hurry I panicked and got a screwdriver, so that I could keep K outside a little while longer

January 2016

I was to have ménage à trois with A and some girl in what was supposed to be a hotel, but it looked like our swim center (brown tile walls on the inside, very old and ugly). Our "room" was like your space in a hospital. One big room divided in small "cubicles" with only this ugly greenish curtains between the beds. I said to A that this is not enough to keep others from seeing, and refused to have sex in such a place. 

I was driving in the city center behind a firetruck, that turned to where I hade previously come from, but I did not follow it, for some reason (even though I was to go where the truck went) I took the road that went straight. I ended up on a small wooden wall that was beside a construction site. I noticed it won't be wide enough to hold my car so I somehow jumped out of the car and ended up hugging the wall. Some construction worker guy called the firehouse and ambulance. I tried to move forward so I could slide off the wall, but it was impossible. Suddenly a guy was behind me, grabbed me and pushed me off the wall on a mattress. Then I was telling the rescuers how things like that happen when you're on maternity leave and have "extra time". One of the girls invited me to come and have ice-cream to their firehouse. It was next to the construction site, just a normal door in a apartment building. I never got my ice-cream so I sat down at the table with the rescue crew. We started talking about Chicago Fire, PD and Med. Then the girl who invited me for ice-cream started singing. Suddenly some firemen carried a you guy in, approx. 20, with a red sports jacket, who had lost his legs. He was yelling like crazy and the firemen just threw his legs down a pair of stairs, while putting a towel on his body to cover the wounds. I was thinking how the hell could they save his left when they just throw them around. 

2-3 dreams after each other where  A left me for some June chick and I screamed at him furious that he'll never get the ring back, and then I deleted him and all his relatives from IG and our my bG group chat. 

It was the Ice Hockey Championship and I was wearing some super old team shirt, which I had gotten from my mom (to have some supportive wear), and the one I had beneath was super old and worn out and full of holes. 

I was supposed to buy some pink marker or jelly pen and they were after the cash register, so I wanted to pay before hand, but the girl never took any payment and I asked for a card and she gave me one. Only for me to notice when I was leaving that it was some kind of an example card, which was already filled in. When I was going to buy those pink things, I walked to the bin where they were, and noticed the were 16 bux each, so I then asked a girl what to do and she told me to take one, then come back to the cash register... but I'd had to go out of the store, across the parking lot and inside the store again.

February 5th 2016
I was attacked by wolves, or they tried to get me.

February 10th 2016
Our workplace was like a dorm and office. Gavin had his own room and when his door was closed I was wondering if he's there on his bed, watching TV, sleeping or jerking off, and how can I get him to come to my room? Then suddenly I woke up at my grandmas place and I did not want to get up, since I was very embarrassed about something I had done, with Gavin, last night while very drunk. Then my room was somehow in the middle so he was going to have to walk through it. I was thinking I have to take a shower or spray a good scent and sleep, so that when he walks through my room, he'll notice it. I was walking back and forth in my room in only my bra, hoping he might see me. My mom and dad was waiting for me outside, in my moms old Nissan Micra, I saw them threw the window. I sent them a message "I'll be down soon, I was sleeping" (the had been waiting for about half an hour). 

February 29th 2016
I was in labour, to have a little Carl. I was walking outside, it was winter, then I was in some kind of a room that looked more like a small town cheap hair dresser. Then suddenly the baby was inside of my bG (only 5 months), and little Carl was born, and although super premature he was 48cm and 2800g. I then was walking outside again, thinking I should send a message to A telling him I had our son. (And no, I'm not pregnant again, nor do I know if I want more children, I'm more of a "one kid mom").

March 2016
Some black guy was taking pictures of my car when it was parked in the city center, because I had gotten a ticket for parking on the yellow line, while I was at a job interview. I got super furious at him and started yelling at him. When I was walking back to my car, I had a cigarette, so that I wouldn't smell of smokes when I pick up my bG, and then I started wondering who is looking after her, that I hope I didn't leave her alone at home sleeping. 

For some reason "Gavin" has again been on my mind. Maybe it's the difficulties we have at home with A, and the fact that I've been living and sleeping alone for a week now, so my body needs excitement.

March 16th 2016
I was at some workplace and hadn't seen Gavin in 1,5 years and I could not stop looking at him every chance I had. He was looking back, and smiling and I couldn't help but wonder if still had the hots for me, as I did for him. At the end I went over to where he (and others) sat and washed my hands and did not dry them, just shook off the water and was flirty and took a glimpse at him while walking by and he was smiling at me. 

March 17th 2016
I was working with Gavin. Our seating was changed so that we to shared a booth. Th lighting was always a bit dark. We had these wooden posts around our booth and I was already thinking how I can keep my hands to myself while we are working, and wondering if he was thinking the same. Then the dream was mostly about me just wanting to touch him every single second. We were sitting close, talking business. Then he said he thought he'd put up posters between the posts so it's more private. All I could think about was that then we can do some touching and flirting without anyone seeing us. 

March 19th 2016
I went in to this interior store, to find something for my bG and saw this woman making balloons, so I wanted one. It was somehow supposed to be filled only with a little air and then it would grow by itself. Mine didn't, it was leaking. I'm not quite sure if it was red or pink. Then I met an old schoolmate.  I was trying to avoid him but he saw me. Then we started walking together and talking and we saw these police cars and wondered if "they are looking for the dad that went missing". Some boy had lost his dad by the harbour and people were thinking he'd drowned so we went to see if they had found him, but the cops drove away, so apparently not.