3 nights in a row

For the past 3 nights I've seen super long dreams, with things happening that make no sense at all. And during all 3 nights I've been very horny and trying to get off using water (public toilet hand shower, shower, garden hose…).

Thursday night:
I was at my grandpas with my sister and there were 2 other girls there, who looked kind of scary, and I think they were twins, and they were afraid of us. We had no idea who they where, supposedly some relatives or friends kids. We were going to get our grandpa new sheets and my sis wanted to change them in to place as a surprise but I said we should wait. She insisted so we tried to find out which was his blanket. Look in all the bedrooms but since those 2 girls were sleeping at his house, we did not know where he slept. Then I was in "my" room at my grandpas (just another guest room, but everything was white, and bright and so nice). I was on my laptop, trying to watch some light "porn" because I was really horny. But I was haring noise and thought everyone would be back and since I could not lock the door I moved. I'm not sure if I went to the shower or a toilet or. I've seen these "water" dreams for 3 nights now. Then I was outside, on a parking lot with a garden hose, trying to get off (water play). I was standing next to this black BMW and every time some walked passed I was hosing the car (supposedly washing it). It was supposed to be my car but at the end of the dream some woman came with her kids and opened the car doors, looked at me like I was some homeless person, and put her stuff in the car. 

Friday night:
I can only remember that I was in Sweden, a toilet, some colleagues from abroad and horny and some water play but scared someone will hear or catch me in the act. 





Last night:
Super confusing things were happening and so much I can't remember half of it. I don't really have an idea of what happened when so I'll have to write the things down in a list:

- I was in a bar, some really cool bar, and "the bar" where every financial suit or young cool guy would go for drinks. It was abroad but I was maybe moving to that country so I was thinking how I can start coming there. I had 3 drinks (Mojito, Caipiroska and ?). It as happy hour so I paid only 3€, 4€ and 6€ for the drinks. Later in my hotel room, a co-worker said I owed him 3,4,6 but look in my wallet and saw that I had paid the drinks myself!

- Something with a river

- Some weird futuristic/alien like stuff was going on. There were some orange things (partially human?) and some humans working with those and they were after something that me and my co-workers, and I think my sister, wanted to fix before they got to it

- I was in a canteen and in the line I was telling my friend (not co-worker, just friend) about what a taxi driver had said to having sex or any nasty suff in his car, and joking that he'd probably been joining if he could've. This was supposedly something that happened with my ex/bf. When I got to order, I ordered a salami-pizza. I had to stand in the side and wait. Then I saw "that" co-worker and he ordered the "?" (called the same as the restaurant) and it was a pizza with meatballs and lot's of tomato-sauce and he was just adding stuff to it. I was hoping he had not heard the thing about the sex and the taxi. When I finally got my pizza the cook handed it over to me really poorly and it almost fell, but I picked the plate from the table and the part of the pizza from the table that had slipped out from the plate. I was looking for a place to sit, near the co-worker, but my friend had found a table so I tried to get to my seat, but there was so many people and just when I was at my table, everyone around ours had to go get coffee and dessert so I had to wait until I even got to my seat. 

Vacation in Thailand

I was on holiday, 11 days, in Thailand. I was living in this hotel with big rooms, on the ground floor and had these huge glass window doors with white wooden panels. The outer door was not glass, but still sometimes it was. Everything in the room (sheets, curtains etc) where white. Outside the room there was a small yard of grass and a river (or dam built between houses) and it made a T shape to the right of my room. By the river there were yellow tall flowers (lily like, star shaped). I was getting ready to go to some paradise island in 2 days. The first night when I tried to lock the big glass window doors I had a lot of problems making them stay shut. I finally did and hoped no one would come and rob me during the night. Suddenly when I was in bed my sister was there too. The next day I was walking outside. When I got to my hotel I took a right turn, but realised after a while it was the wrong direction to where my room is. That night my ex/bf slept with me. The day before I was to go to the island I decided to do some shopping. There was some huge mall I thought I'd go to. I also thought about buying some food, like juice to take with me. Again walking to my room I took the wrong turn. When I walked back I saw this restaurant and thought abut food. Then I found myself in a Sport store and there was some model apologising for her friends no show. And some guy throwing a baseball ball and the sales people looking at it and him to see if it was from the batch that was stolen from them. I looked at some shirt and college pants and then when I left, I saw that guys baseball on the floor so I threw it back to him. Around this time there was a news about 3 little girls who had been poisoned. I was back at the hotel, some area, not my room, trying to explain to these 3 other girls what had happened to their friends and what it means to choke. They did not talk my language, but got it in the end when I used theatre. And again with the wrong turn when I got to my room. At the rooms, my sister suddenly had the room next to me and she was wondering about how she could sleep alone and only in her underwear….

An unsafe candyfactory

I can only remember small bits.. We we're going to some fancy old building and there was this weird old elevator which barely had no walls and was unstable so we all had to sit or stand still or it would tilt. There were several levels but the only one I can remember was this place where they made chocolate and we got to taste some and really ate like we haven't seen food in a week… but they were so good. Some where in a walnut shell that had yellow balloon type wrapper. Since me and my friend were sick, the guy who gave us the tour said that they have to calculate how much we owe them because of contamination. When getting back on the elevator thing, we had problems and it tilted so much that I almost fell of (and we were up at the 47th or 49th floor, so falling down would've been deadly). I decided to not take the elevator, and managed to get off. I took the star is instead, to some place that was our "home base".

Way too real

This dream felt so real that when I woke I was really confused. I can still feel how it felt when this guy held my hand and the feeling of his kiss on my cheek. AND.. I had another dream after this one, so it's been a few hours since. So well to the dream…

I was driving to this place and suddenly noticed I had taken a totally different road and thought that I'd probably would have run someone over if they were to run over the road since I can't even remember how I drove to where I was and why I had taken that road. I needed to get gas o I headed to the gas station. However I went inside this café instead. I sat there, I think I was kind of working at the same time and then I saw this co-worker guy (same as always), with his friends, outside coming in. The guy had his kid in a stroller. When they were seated, I kind of looked at him like I'm mad because of something that had happened, what he had said to me earlier. He did notice me but since he was with friends he ignored me, just gave a quick head nod hi. Then a lot of people started coming in there and that guys girlfriend with some of her friends, to check up on the kid and so on, since she was going out for a girls night. When she got in, I saw this huge (like half a million) diamond ring on her ring finger and just thought "So he is engaged, it's just like with the kid/pregnancy, won't talk about it so I don't hear about it". I was just about to leave when he came up to me and said I should come and have a look at their baby. I said "I don't want to, I'm leaving". He tried to stop me and I was really mad at him. Then he grabbed my jacket and said "You have to see the baby, it's the cutest thing". Then we got to the baby and he was so proud of it and sure it was cute and all but I just really wanted to leave. Then my ex/bf (whatever he is) came in. At this point the guy from work and his girl started screaming at each other like really fighting about who's been out drinking more and just going at it. So he grabbed me in his arms, from behind, took my hands with a butterfly grip and said something about "Yeah well maybe I'll just be with X (me) instead, since you're just yelling and I really like being with X (me)". I tried to go away but he didn't let me go. I tried not to smile but still did and then to cover the smile I tried making faces so that she'd think he's just kidding. But then he started kissing me on my neck and cheek. I said "I really don't want to come between you 2". I saw my bf/ex who was seeing all this and I left with him, and as we were walking I laughed about what had just happened and said my co-worker was acting weird and that I have nothing to do with it. We went outside and in the car and I was really annoyed at him because he wanted to have the window open (the front window) and I could not really see where I was driving and got mad and said he can drive himself then. We drove up this hill, outside what seemed like a church. There were some people outside and some going in. We were not going to the church however. When outside the car, we were walking and I saw this airplane crash (a brand that has never crashed before). And even if it was quite far away the flames and smoke reasech far and then we saw some buildings started to collapse and there was smoke coming up from the ground where we were, and it was because some underground pipes that the fire and spread and the ground was collapsing. I started thinking about what part of the city the plane hit and realised it's where that guy from work lives, and just kept thinking how I wish he wasn't at home, or anywhere close, since he was on the way back to the city. We started running and I did not know where, since it was dark and the smoke holes just got bigger and the ground was collapsing. Everywhere I ran seemed to be the wrong direction and I had to run back or to the right, so I chose to run to the right towards some really dark area with a couple of trees…  then I woke.

Just a small re-route

I was in Sweden and about to fly home. When getting in the airline there was only 4 empty seats left and I picked on in the front row, which was just right behind the cock pit, which was open so I could see everything. I saw a bunch of kids (I guess some daycare group) was closing in on the plain doors and my friends was with me and she got held back in line so I held the seat next to mine for her and hurried her quickly so the kids don't get on the plane (kind of mean :D). Our seats we're huge and comfortable and when I looked back the normal rows started 2 rows behind us, just looking like a normal airplane and fully packed with people. I remember listening to the captain speak and looked at him and got a bit insecure about the whole flight. But then we started moving and we drove the plain like it was a car, on the normal roads. People stood up and looked out the windows and were "wowd" about the house lights and things, even my friend was all "I wan't to see" and I was thinking "Geez, it's just lights and houses". When we were at the point where we should take off, the wind had gotten really bad and it was snowing. The captain announced that we're re-routed through Stuttgart (Germany) and then from there to Russia. I said "Hell no! I'm not changing a on hour flight to 2  3h flights" and then people started getting of the plane. When I got off, I wasn't with my friend anymore, I was with my ex and it wasn't Sweden, it was Amsterdam. I asked if we should just find the same hotel as last time for the night and then fly home tomorrow. The only thing he could think about was going to a Coffee Shop, and did, to the first one and I just stood there outside mad at him. Then I remember thinking that we really need to keep a low profile since my co-workers girlfriend (who was a flight attendant in the dream) had flown in and since he was there, they would be together, and I did not want to run in to them so I was looking around and kind of trying to be invisible. After a while, I realised that I had left my suitcase on the plane. My bf/ex had his back-pack with him so I got all worried about my stuff and the company laptop which was in it. So we had to go back to the airport...

Fighting over a sex affair and chasing burglars

I don't know if I had 2-3 different dreams or if they were all a part of one another. I've started to forget things but this is what I remember:

I had a sex affair with the guy from work (whom I've dreamt of before) and then I saw him going at it with another girl from work. I got so mad I was like WTF? We were somewhere, like a boat or hotel or cabins and I tried to get an answer on why he started hooking up with her after all he said to me (about how much he wan't s me and so on).

Then I was in my hotel room with my stuff and went to bed. The next day when I got to my room I found a note which said that some burglars had stolen my laptops but I should't worry since I'd still get a new company laptop for free and they left me a camera instead. I was looking at it, if it was recording or what the hell. I was then calling the police and trying to solve the whole burglar thing and the sex affair, and I was so sad and mad at that guy for fucking that other girl.

Then at some point there was this wagon type house with sells and young kids (5-15) running and someone shouting that the ones who can't find a sell is left out, and people where pushing to get in to these sells, where they were supposed to spend 1 year. I think my mom was there, but not as in she was the one who had to spend a year in a sell, just taking up one space to show that so many people can fit in one.

Then there was some boat, kind of a hotel, but it was a boat and I was feeling woozy and something about the sex affair, I had a talk or argument with him.

The last thing I remember was that I was chasing this guy I know and his 2 friends, supposed to be the burglars. Me and "A" were driving behind and we saw the burglars car slide on the side through this tunnel so when it was our turn to turn, we made a small loop to the left and slide thought he tunnel as well and then just drove after them. At one point we lost them, since we took some shortcut throughout the woods and came to that old friends place before they were there. We waited, hidden with guns for the burglars to arrive and when they did, we had guns at them, asking why they stole my stuff and that I want it back.

Ooh and at some point, might be another dream but had to do with that co-worker I supposedly had a sex affair with who I was supposedly mad at. I was in my apartment building and the elevator was token. If I wanted to go to the 4th floor it took me to the 5th, at one point the door was so jammed I had to jump out when it was possible and then at one point the elevator started going down with super speed and I was trying out different positions on how to stand when it all comes down, so that I won't get killed. 

Weirdness continues

Lately I've been seeing super weird dreams (again) but I haven't had time to write them down and I've forgotten most of the dream by the end of the day.

1. The Red Balloon
Me and my sister we're hanging out and suddenly we sat in the wooden outside toilet and my sister was holding a red balloon. I remember thinking that it's a pretty weird situation and why does my sis have a balloon? We we're waiting for someone or watching someone. When we left the toilet the balloon broke. 

2. A baby brother
My parents had a baby. They are both between 50-55 so it's not likely that they would have another baby and dad and I was walking down the hospital corridors to go see the little fellow. On our way there was a nurse (in her 50's too) who came and hugged my dad and I was thinking "seriously? another affair? AND you just had a baby with mom!". My dad pushed the woman a side and said "not here and now" and she got all whiney and pathetic and he said "I have an App for you, I'll use it later" (WTF an "App"?). When we got to the nursery a nurse brought the baby in. First of all he was wrapped in outside clothing, mostly green colors, which were heated up. Then when I saw his face I was chocked, he was Asian! It was my mom and dads, and they did not think it was weird and just something with the DNA or some but I was looking at it and thinking "that kid will be bullied in school". I was also looking at his feet and thinking he had pig feet, even though they we're like a grown mans feet but only 3cm tall). Then it (he) started talking it was not any language I've ever heard and the whole situation was just so weird. 

3. A screwed up family
I had to leave my bf, against my will, but I had to. I still love him more than anything but I had to show him that because of one thing, he's now also lost his loved one. Anyhow the dream was about me trying to make my boyfriend stop using drugs. I even told his mom and all she did was support his drug use, instead of make him stop. She had him rather take drugs than be with me. I remember screaming and crying and trying to make them understand. 

4. Mistakes
This was a long dream last night, but I can only remember a few short parts.
I was looking at my iPhone and WhatsApp messages when I saw the conversation from my (ex) bf disappear. I got really sad and mad that he'd deleted OUR conversation and asked myself if he hates me that much for leaving him. I tried to write him, but never managed to do it. Then I was in, what was supposed to be, my workplace canteen  Then there was cake, 2 different sorts of chocolate cake with frosting, some party with people from my work, and someone trying to stop me from getting to the 3:rd piece (last kind) of cake. During this whole time I was thinking about the deleted message. Then I was outside, in a big city, going (having to sneak in) to some I don't even know what it was. The guard let me and my ex in like anyone else but we had to leave our cameras (I had a system camera around my neck) but got to keep it as long as it just wasn't on my head. Then we got two pairs of mens black leather winter glows and had to wear both on top of each other. I sat in a chair behind my ex. He commented on the glows "Can get pretty warm if we have to have these on". I put my camera on the chair next to me, on the left, and in the next 2 chairs there were to Asian tourists (or something). On the front rows there we're people with violins, bass', cellos. I started talking to my ex about "Don't you ever have something you regret?" and how I regret leaving him, but I had to, but I still just want to be with him so much. And I asked why he deleted the conversation and he said "so I won't bother anyone ever again". I told him how I'd want to have the message thread in my phone so I can look at it. Then the talk got to marriage and he said he doesn't see the point because .. (some bureaucratic bullshit). Then I saw that we were sitting in a Catholic building and there was another couple on the row in front of me commenting out marriage discussion "Don't they know that we're not married?".. we we're never talking about them, we we're talking about us. I was just really sad and annoyed at my bf/ex that he did not understand to choose me over things that just makes his life miserable. Then the alarm woke me so I don't know how it would've ended.

Earlier this week: Snuggling

I was for some reason with that co-worker I've had other dreams about. I was snuggling with him, talking about TV shows and showing him on the laptop what series he should watch. 

3 worlds collide

I was with my boyfriend and his family, there was some friends and my sister too on their summer place island (did not look like it does though). There was 2 sailboats coming in and they had their flags half way, like when someone has died. In my company boat the crew was a mix on people from work and a couple old classmates and then people I've never seen. One old classmate came up and introduced himself to my friend. Then I heard the flags where the way they were because of the two people who died in the plane crash (earlier dream). A while later a bunch of us were sitting on a picnic blanket and a friend blurted out about me and this guy and how I slept with him (never did in real life) and my sister was all "what?", then we were walking and my sister kept going on and on about "you know that (the guy) and (his ex) had an infection so good luck, have you checked that you haven't gotten it, because when you have it you have it". I have no idea what it was or why the hell I'd dream something like that. There was also some party and I'm beginning to forget more pieces now so... this has to be it.

Sexytime

I had a really hot moment with my boyfriend and we had really hot and great sex, the kind you see on TV, where 2 people who can't keep their hand off each other have sex for the first time. 

Did not make it to the flight - that crashed

Last night I had a few pretty clear dreams, although I have some parts I can't remember. First one:

I was running late from a flight. I was super stressed and standing in line for boarding and I was looking at the time, there was 10 minutes until the departure. I was just thinking I need a smoke before and if I just get through I can have my smoke before stepping on to the plane. When I was giving my boarding pass to the security guard I noticed I had my sisters and someone else's ticket and the guard told me I can't get on and there was something in the machine so he could not give me a new boarding pass. I told him I really need to get on the plane and I really need a smoke. He just said sorry we can't let you on the flight. I was so mad. I saw the plane take off, with my friends and some co-workers. The plane took off, made a turn and came straight back crashing on the ground. There were people coming out all injured and I saw flames. I saw a co-worker who said that 2 got killed. Then I saw the flight in my head and I remembered there was flames already when the plane took off, like the gas tank was leaking and burning. The rest is a blur.

In and out of love

My relationship to my boyfriend is super complicated, it's just not working out and he sees it to be my fault and I think it's his lack of sympathy and being there for me, instead of being an asshole like everyone else, is the cause. So apparently it is starting to hit me, that there will be the day when he dates someone else and now it's in my dreams. Even though we might be better off without "us", I still don't want him to be with someone else. I'd rather fix "us" than see that happen, but he needs to understand how he's been.

I was cleaning my car off my bf's stuff and found a bunch of empty bottles. I asked him and his guy friends to take everything that was his, but they left laughing with just some important things and left all the trash for me to clean up. Including empty bottles. I cleaned everything up and while I was doing so, I noticed my neighbours are out on a smoke on their balconies was staring at me. It was summer, everyone had plants of some sort of their balconies. I carried the trash and then came up with keeping one bottle with club soda in it, and someones strawberry bushes had spread all the way to the parking roof so I picked up some and chew them and spit them in the bottle. I shook the bottle, which almost exploded and I was walking around the parking house, which had 3 floor and not 2 like it has. I could not find my bf car, though he'd already moved all of them, even the last one without me knowing. I wanted to splash it with sticky liquids. In the garage, instead of normal family cars, basic economic cars, there were expensive ones like Porsche, Corvette, other older American cars like this white I think Camaro or Challenger... the white with a blue stripe. Longer in length than a Mustang. While I was walking there in the garage, I heard a cat miau. I was trying to see it, but I only saw a woman with her kid outside and thought that maybe the cat sound came from her kids stroller and not an actual cat. I gave up, went outside and looked around to see if I could see my bf's bike to trash it instead. Couldn't find it, so I took a sip of the drink, until I remembered that the soda had probably been opened 2 weeks ago. Oh at some point when I was walking to my car, I tried doing a ferris wheel but my sight was really blurry so I fell on the ground in the middle of it and was embarrassed when I noticed people saw that. Back in the house I had something going on with this other guy. This part is kind of a blur. 

The next thing I remember is:

We were in an electronics store with my bf and his mom, looking at ovens and other kitchen supply. We had never broken up so the whole situation felt really weird. He was looking at black or dark blue ovens and fund some really cheap one (because I was hoping he'd only find expensive enough that he can't afford to buy them, to have a nice clean new home. I wanted him to live in a dump, so no girl wants to date him, because I wanted to be with him, just not him to be the way he's been now. I asked if he had found a place, since he's looking at electronics. He said, yeah, in 2 weeks. I got surprised and nervous and sad. I said "well nice that someone told me". Then it came up that it's a rented apartments, so I was thinking that it's weird to look at new ovens for a rented place. When I found this tiny vacuum I showed it too him and said that atleast that's a small enough to own, he said that he'll just do like "this" (open the door to create a draft) and then it's thier problem who lives below him. I was just thinking about all the dog hair that will lay around all over and smell bad.Walking further in the store, I noticed him talking to this girl who was totally flirting with him. Just the type of trashy pathetic girls I can't stand. The one who'd do anything for a man, just to have them break up with their "once in a lifetime" love and in al they ways annoying. She had black hair and pencil eyebrows (not the super thin line but close), was probably at least 5 years younger than me and all flirty. We got in my bf's moms car and went driving around and it was winter. I asked my bf where the new place is and he told me and I was like "that's like nowhere, that's like a place where you NEVER go, unless you fall asleep on the drunk buss and end up there". We drove closer to the place to see what stores and so on there is. The was a food store, called "DICK USA", which was hilarious. We sort of somehow walked through it and I was saying that atleast they have soap and deoderant and to that my bf said "I get my from Bauhaus". And I asked "ooh so now you're dating that girl, is that why, since she works there!", and he said "I'm just tired of all the ones I've been using lately" (so all the ones I've bought him, the good and expensive ones). Along the way I fell a sleep and when I woke up, it was summer, I was in a horse carriage with my bf and his mom at the front and me and that "Bauhaus chick" in the carriage. She started talking to me and all I said was "Don't you talk to me!!!" "Don't you EVER talk to me!!". She sated brining up stuff that she wasn't even supposed to know. About this girl, who I had yelled at to stop budding in. And this Bauhaus girl, said that maybe if I hadn't done that, my bf would still be with me. And I told her I can show her how it went down and what happened and what I said. That other girl had gotten so upset she'd started to cry when I told her to stop budding in my life. I was so mad at my bf's new girl that while I was talking to her my gum flew in her lap, she thought it was spit so she didn't notice. Then she went on and on about her and my bf. "You know when you are like Carita (the cry baby), you're a bit bigger (meaning FAT)", I stopped her, by telling her that at least I'm more than skin and bones and I have boobs, unlike her since my bf likes boobs. His new girl then said "yeah well I have 34D and started showing more of skin. Her boobs looked like B cup and that was when she was wearing a bra so... Then I told her "You'd better like it in the ass then". She said "Ooh pussy, ass whatever, although I prefer the pussy" and just laughed and I got so mad and annoyed. Had I had a gun I'd probably shot her. She went on and on about stuff about her pussy after that "Should I shave it like a moustache? Or ono, maybe just some shape? Or maybe all the way? At least it's in perfect shape, you know......"

Somewhere in the dream, I was standing at my house elevator and the new guy I was apparently hooking up with was there arguing with some other dude and then suddenly I just kissed him and then he said "So you want to be with me?" and I said "you know I can't say no to you". Then we agreed on calling later. 

In that hors carriage ride I was thinking about that situation. Ok apparently we had something going on, but we haven't had sex, even though I somehow knew how it felt, but could not imagine me having sex with that guy. Then I remembered my bf (or maybe ex) will start a new job on Monday, and his boss will be that guy I was apparently seeing. 

I'm now, awake and angry, sad, worried, confused and afraid of what will ever happen if we break up and he starts dating someone else. I even had this thought that man would it be cool if he started dating someone and I could then just tell her "so he's told you I'm having his baby?". Even though I'm not pregnant, but I'd like to be, rather than be in this situation... because getting there would solve all the problems in my life right now.

Weird dreams continues...

Last night I had several dreams that were just "wtf?". I can only remember small pieces:

1. I parked my Camper (first wtf?, I'd never buy one) on the side of the road since there were firemen and a firetruck on the sidewalk so I could not park there, nor anywhere that would block their way. I was on a road outside my grandparents house and then thought that I could park in their parking space but then I'd have to call them, and I can't be bothered to talk to anyone. I wasn't sure if the side of the road was gonna hold my car, especially since I was to sleep on the side closer to the edge. I pushed the car a bit and down it went and crashed.

2. Something with some building and windows and doors and a plan on how to get in and out. Ain't sure if I was to save someone or steal something.

3. Some island, with my sister and mom and dad. At the end we were waiting for my boyfriends friend and then saw him and this other friend of all of ours and my boyfriends friend barely knew me.. (he knows me well for real) and I was confused. Then we were getting on his boat, which was his dads and named after his sister (not real sister, the name wasn't familiar). Anyhow, it was hard getting on the boat and when I finally did with my sister I went upstairs and started telling that there are huge floating logs in the sea behind the boat, while the guy who's all of our friends was backing out and getting us ready for open waters. He said something like "I know, you don't have to tell me what to do".. or something and I replied "yeah well I just thought that I'd tell you that there are logs in the water".

Reading the dreams

When I look back at what has been happening in my life the past few weeks and I read in to my dreams, the dreams really tell me the same things I know, but it's kind of creepy that my mind tells me these things through images. To the right there's a link to dream moods and looking up "Driving", the part where you can't see where you are going, "Elephant" and especially the white elephant, "Elevator" and "Seashells". Those are all the things and thoughts that have been going through my head. And the biggest thing is that I really don't know what to do with my life. No matter what I do or how good I do it, I always have to just prove myself to everyone, more and more and no one helps me out or even tries to ease the daily level of stress and load. I know the solution but no one seems to care. And then there is the relationship issues. I know what I want, but me and my bf are not on the same page anymore and I don't know what to do. Also the thing with getting pregnant. It would ease my life situation but also could be the worst thing to happen. But at this point in my life, I'd like to start over and stop getting pushed down all the time. I'd want meaning to my life, or at least the respect I deserve. I've kinda of been hoping that my headache, tiredness and emotional emptiness and feeling sick would be "a mistake" due to change of birth control but I think it's just me being depressed and stressed and maybe I have some infection and just regular back pain that is causing the physical symptoms. I kind of would just want to start over, to be appreciated and get what I deserve without having to prove it 10 times and still just get the "we'll see"...

You're getting married? "yeah..... to S"

Another crazy dream was about that guy from work. We had some "chemistry" between us and we were talking and close and I wanted him and then there were these boats and we ended up on one, with some people from work and this one co-worker was asking him "So your getting married?" and the guy said "Yeah.....(super long pause)... to S" and I got mad and said something to whoever it was I was talking to. The weird thing is that his baby-mama's name is not anything close to the name "S".

Seashells

Again referring to the weird dreams the past few weeks, one was me being abroad, and at some beach place with some sort of an aquarium and outside was this beach and it was getting late but I really wanted to pick some seashells. 

Sex affair with a famous rapper

I met this famous rapper. I had just broke up with "A" and I met the rapper guy. We started having a sex affair and he had a huge penis (like Jamie from BB Australia). I thought "woooow that's huge". I hang out with his posse and at one point we were in an elevator, then we were at my place which looked like shit (like "A"'s last place) and partially because he was still living with me and packing. I was there with the rapper and his posse and me and the guy was kissing and having sex and then "A" was there in the room packing his stuff and looked with teary eyes and said "It's really not cool that you do that while I'm here". Later the guys sat around in the living room and kitchen and the rapper said to "A" "sorry dude about all of this, but you know it's not like I'm gonna be together with (my name)" and I was "wait what?".. then I'm not sure if the dream switched to another or if it just jumped to something else but me and "A" were somewhere abroad (I think it was supposed to be Thailand) and we were going to the beach and suddenly people were screaming and running away from the water (which was super deep just a few steps from the beach) because there was a shark warning. Suddenly these huge white elephants and other animals were swimming in the water attacking people. They looked like ghosts would look like and they were the "sharks". "A" and I started walking away and I said to him something like "I wish you'd shave, I don't like it when you have a beard" and when I looked at him, it was my exexex "H", my super ugly ex! I can't understand how I could ever date that guy.

Driving with an icy window

Referred to the last post one dream was: I was on my way to work. My car window was foggy and then it turned icy. I was driving on the highway and could not see anything and I was really scared that I'd crash. I occasionally saw some of the traffic but whatever I did to try and see more, the fogginess and ice just got worse. 

Lots of weird dreams

The past 2 weeks I've had a terrible headache and I've seen so many longer dreams. They seem so real and I can remember them the minute I wake up, but most of the time I've fallen asleep pretty quickly again, and when I wake in the morning I can only remember small pieces. It's like my mind is going crazy. And the dreams are all the kind that I'm scared, stressed out, angry or depressed when I wake up.

Playing around

For some reason I was in my co-workers car, the beginning of the dream is a bit blurry. He told me to drive, so I moved behind the wheel of a black Audi A3 Cabriolet. The whole time, there was a lot of tension between us, and then we drove to what's my house, but he got out of the car and I thought that then we'd change seats, but he asked me to continue driving. Suddenly we were at my place, he was nervous that my bf was coming home but I said he's just gone to work so he can't come home. At first we were just talking, then it went to sort of hugging. He then pushed me away saying we can't and I told him that we're not doing anything wrong, that it's not like we're having sex (or something like that). He/we went on about if it's right or wrong and then he came closer. I could feel he was getting a boner so I stroke his pants (what was super weird though that at the same time it was something got hard in the back too, like he had such a long penis that he'd bent it to the back :D haha, but it was something else, his penis was all in the front). The stroking led to kissing, which at first was super awkward. He opened his mouth really wide and took in part of my teeth too ( I guess just nervous) and then got normal, and I was getting so horny. Suddenly we were not in my house anymore, we've moved to some cabin. There we stood stroking and talking if it's right or wrong and getting really horny. Then I saw my bf's brother parking his boat outside and coming in and I told my co-worker to hide so no one would see that we are there. Then they saw us, and by the time the brother got in, I was putting on my panties, all though I never even took them off, but got a flashback that the guy I was with, was touching me down there. The brother was all confused and asked what's going on and I took him to this other room and explained to him that nothing's happened and he said "yeah nothings happened, are you cheating on "A"" and I said "no, but you have to understand. I'm so tired of him, all the crap he uses, all the money issues, the way he talks, all of it. But I did not do anything, there was just a kiss and some dry hump touching but I did not have sex" and the brother said then "Ok, well I guess its fine then, but "A" is going to be so heartbroken if you ever do something with that other guy and leave him, so don't hurt "A"". I staid in the room, sat on the floor and sent a message to someone, I think a friend and the guy I came to the cabin with walked buy the room.. and that's all I can remember. At some point, I guess it was when we were driving, we did talk a lot about cheating on our partners, can we do this, could we cheat and should we, what is this whole thing between us and what's up with the sexual tension.

Stupid Celine Dion song

I was on my way to this one part of the city, by Bus. Suddenly these two guys from my work came on, with their suits on and laptops. They were going to the same part of the city. What was weird is that it was Saturday, and they were going to meet a client.. by Bus (?!?!?). On the radio, which for some reason was under my control, there was only cool rock music. Then suddenly it changed to some Celine Dion song and I did not turn it off. I was hoping one of them (the one who's been crashing my dreams earlier) would listen to the words. Then he turned it off and told me I listen to shit music and was really rude and mean. Then I got off the Bus (even if it wasn't my stop). I found myself sitting on some couch or bed calling him. Discussing that I did not choose to listen to the song, but did not care to turn off the radio or change the channel. He was rude and I was trying to turn his mind to still thinking I was cool and liking me. We agreed on calling later (I asked "Can I call you later" and he said "Yeah, sure, call". Before I hung up a friend of mine wrote something on her phone and showed it to me, and I was supposed to say that to him.. it was something like Soda tablets or similar, anyhow some kind of white tablets that melt in water. I did not understand the point, nor did he and he sounded confused and more annoyed, and I was unsure if he really wanted me to call later or not. 

I really need to, I don't know.. clear my head before I go to bed, because something is wrong up there :D

Big Boobs

I had such a crazy dream a few nights ago...

I was with "A" hanging out with friends. Suddenly this one friend of ours, "Henry", started hitting on me. "A" was somewhere else by that time and I was suddenly in my white bra, with huge breasts. "Henry" came up to me and started grabbing my breasts and said something like "I soo love touching your huge boobs". Then he suggested sex. We were at his place. His mom was there. I was thinking that what does his mom think, since she knows "A". Anyhow, somehow I ended up with "Henry" naked in front of me asking if I mind that he has a smaller penis than "A". I said that a smaller one is what I want right now (WTF?!?). Then it skipped the actual act and I was leaving thinking that actually I did not cheat on "A" because we were broken up at that time, but was worried what he might do to the "Henry", and what "Henry"'s mom would think, now that we are back together with "A", if "A" ever found out. Luckily it was JUST a dream, or more of a nightmare :D

Clark Kent & Lois Lane

I really need to get laid. Been away from home a couple of weeks and it's really effecting my dreams. A few nights ago I dreamt that "A" was like Clark Kent and I was like Lois Lane trying to find a moment to have sex (instead of like them, a moment to get married). And then when we finally got close enough and felt the heat, he had to "take off" and save the world, and I was all ok with it and told him I'd be waiting when he's back. WTF?!?

Out of my Feng-Shui

I've been abroad 5 weeks and the first weeks I didn't dream at all or actually can't remember anything I dreamt. Then recently I read that the mind needs the 8h sleep per night to process what has happened during the day and "recharge". After that, or around that time I started remembering my dreams again, but until few nights ago my dreams were of normal day to day stuff. Like talking with my boyfriend, getting as much whipped cream on my drink as I could possibly get without spilling it and then running to the train. Normal day to day things that could happen with a splash of exaggeration. However now I've been seeing normal dreams and then a few weird ones:

My co-worker is pregnant and the baby want's to come out already so after talking on the phone with her I dreamt that she came by to the office, her tummy was gone and she said it was because the baby wanted to come out already so it's half way. Suddenly her tummy was hanging, like loose skin after someone who's been really really fat has lost a lot of weight. And then all the fat was gone, the baby was there under her skin. She grabbed on of it's arms and pulled and said "look, you can even do this and it won't mind". I just thought how creepy it looked. 

One night I dreamt that "A" was out camping/on a cabin trip with his co-workers and some random girls and I flew in to go over and check it out and when I got to the cabin I asked where "A" is and his co-worker said "In his car, but I think he hooked up with Nina" (or something with an N was the name). I got furious, went to his car and saw him snuggling with 2 girls. When I was about to hit one of them she replied to my fist and though I was saying hi. I was so mad at "A" and started hitting him. 

Last night I had 2 dreams I can remember. One where my sister and I where talking about this rapper and she was all "he's really nice" like I was supposed to hook up with him and I just replied that he's in to all those model, big boob girls and she was "oh no, he likes normal girls" and then I told her I had seen him, here and that he looked straight at me, but because it was pouring I had to take cover and could not go talk to him...

Last night I also dreamt that I broke my laptop when I closed the lid, it got a crack in the screen and at the same time something happened with my Facebook so that it made everything from 4-5 years ago pop up on my wall. I couldn't delete the stuff since my computer didn't work. "A" called and said "This is IT! no more, no excuses, it's over" and he didn't listen to me telling him it's stuff from before I knew him, that FB has somehow reposted everything. He just yelled at me something about liking 5 other mens photos all the time. When I got to my computer, to take pictures for the insurance company it started melting and burning through (bed or table..). I had to take it and throw it on something else. 

A dream that doesn't make any sense

"A" and I were walking the streets at 4-5am and I heard a man "N" from work across the street. He and his husband were harassed by some weirdo. I wanted to just continue walking but my boyfriend then had to go talk to them and asked if they knew if the crazy guy sells any drugs, e.g. weed. I looked at "A" so angry. The guy looked at me and then said he has no idea, never seen the crazy guy before. We continued walking and I gave "A" such a lecture about what was he thinking, that now that guy will tell everyone at work what "A" asked him, and even though I don't use any it will still get me in trouble because everyone will think that it was for us and not just "A". We got to this weird dark place, like an old school or warehouse. People were selling clothes and stuff, like a street sale or second hand sale. Then I saw "Gavin". He was walking towards us, in weird clothes (quite fitted sand brown "man" pants, a belt and a white t-shirt tucked in his pants (nothing he'd ever normally wear)). I tried to hide away and he looked as he saw me but just walked pass me, until our paths crossed in a way that I couldn't ignore him. I introduced "A" to him  and said "and you remember "blabla"" (they've met once in real life). Then that crazy guy showed up and came talking to "Gavin" and said "guess what just happened, I totally freaked out some people". He had been pretending to be a crazy person. And this guy was "Gavins" friend. Then he said something like he'd heard some guy had been asking if he had drugs to sell and "how crazy is that?". I was so mad at "A". Later it was like "Gavin" was drunk, in the beginning of the dream he was sober and a bit ignorant towards me. Everyone else left somewhere and I stood there alone with him. He asked if I wanted to (can't remember if it was a game or try out something or what he asked). There was an empty circle around me, like everyone else just kept walking but far away. "Gavin" stood there circling me and every now and then kissed me, for different amount of time. I had to keep my eyes open to look out for anyone who could see (e.g. "A"). "Gavin" just kept doing this until everyone started to come back. Later I saw him doing weird stuff, I was thinking if he's going to get a tan but it was a copy machine that was upside down somehow. He and this woman (same age as me, so well young woman) started to take copies of themselves, face and so on, and kissing to get kissing pictures. I though he's just drunk and that's why he kissed me, if he's kissing her too. When we got the pictures (they were in a ribbonlike photo paper style) the other woman nearly tried to rip them from my hands (she normally always interrupts and takes over if I'm talking about something, she thinks she's smarter and better just because she makes more money...  From there the dream continued with me holding a bike and I had to walk some weird road to get home and I thought I'd cut but ended up at someones yard. There were 3 or 4 men soaking in a hot tub and the host sipping beer in his sun chair. He said I'm not allowed to cut through and I explained that I'm lost and somehow I ended up staying there for a while and my sister and some of her friends came there too. Then suddenly when the water drew backwards after the waves I saw some letters and numbers in the water (sand/bottom). They where white, army style (damn that I can't remember what the combination was, started with a U or R). I asked what it was at the same time as I saw this huge army ship approaching. The guy who lived there said it was a sign for the navy boats to see where to "park". There where more ships coming in and a lot of talk with the girls was happening at the same time. I was trying to take pictures of the boats and such. Inside the house I saw "Gavin". He looked at me like he sometimes looks at me at work (makes me wonder why he looks (since you don't if you're not intentionally wanting to see that person) especially since he said (not that drunk yet) "I do like you" (like, like like, not like "she's nice/cool")). He was doing something over a table and I was asking (referring to the kisses he gave me) if he remembers. At first he pretended (or played me?) he didn't and then turned it in to another game, something about "trying it out later" or "playing it again" or whatever his words were, suggesting we'd go somewhere a bit later and do it again, or continue. I'm not sure if that dream ended there or if there was this thing with clothes and my sister in a separate or same dream...

Only bits and pieces

Lately I've been dreaming a lot but I can hardly remember anything from my dreams, later than a few seconds after waking up. Before this I had a week or two when I couldn't remember anything.  What I can remember, looking back a week or so, and last night this is what I've dreamt, in the order newest on top.

Something about trying to have sex with "A" but he said he was only thinking about taking a shower. 

I was in L.A. and looked at this map. I was trying to copy the map into my head so that I could find a bike. I started walking, I was looking for a health centre after which the bikes that were for rent would be.  I thought the centre looked quite nasty, and nothing like a hospital. I went inside and saw really sick people and tried to find someone. Then I realised it wash't a normal health centre when I saw this poster or paper on the wall/door, where it said AIDS, HEPATITIS,.... (and some other deadly disease). I went out, trying not to touch anyone too much but still a little so that no one would attack me. Outside I started walking to where I thought the bikes were, but there were none. I just ended up at the end of a road, and there was a carnival or something. I remember thinking about or having a view of the future where I had cool pictures of the booths at the carnival type of place. I started walking back, I then got some guy to join me. He was some old child movie star. He was there to help me, kinda like a "big brother" (even though he was way younger than me). Suddenly I was joking about staying there and going "Mexican". Then we found the bikes, and I could imagine the map in my head. The guy was telling me why I couldn't go "Mexican" or an illegal immigrant. However I ended up being forced to "work" for free at this mani-pedi place. When I got there, the older Thai woman who owned the place was saying my nail polish was wrong and my feet too dry, she was going to do a pedi for me, because I couldn't do customers looking like that. My toenails where painted light blue and then suddenly I had one toe red and one peach coloured and she was telling me how none match and something about the blue and red. The next thing I remember was that I was supposed to make some ornament or something and was outside. It was winter and there was snow. I was trying to find pine tree cones. I had to hit agains a tree beside a house, and it's walls so get some to fall and to not get caught by the people living there. Inside I wanted to watch a program from a tape, but the tape jammed and the VCR player made a weird noise. I only got to watch a part. It was called "Stars" and my co-worker, his girl friend and another guy and girl where in it. They were snowboarding and just hanging out. At one point the other guys girl got a bit too close to my co-worker so they filmed his girlfriend getting super jealous and mad at the end. More towards the end all of the other episode people joined and were all making flips at a pipe. Then the VCR machine made a high and loud noise so one of the Thai men who sat in the same room turned it off. 

Some woman had me wait or come inside this building. I did not follow her orders as to wait, but followed her. It was really dark, the building was like a big factory or machine room, or server room. I went trough this space between tables or shelves and saw the machine going nuts, starting to blow up parts of itself and people's working booths. I hid under a table but soon realised that it was after me. It or I said something about it not stopping before it's killed me, so I took my bag and carefully went back the same way I came in. 

I had 3 boobs. When I didn't have my bra on, I had 3 boobs. I was freaking out, how would I ever find a bra. And how would it look if I stuffed one boob in one cup and two in the other. And what would my boyfriend think and how would it look at work. Then I had my bra on, and everything looked normal, like I had only 2 boobs. 

I was at the office, printing out pictures of houses, like I was looking for a new place. "Gavin" came and asked if I was moving and I said "no, just looking". Then he came close (I sat, he stood) and I leaned on him while we were talking. Then he had to go (something about his girlfriend) and I just felt his body still on my cheek. If I remember correctly, I saw my boyfriend walking towards me (or maybe it was his girlfriend)... However what is weird is that our office, was again like a huge hall made of dark granite and we had our cubicles and small lamps with dim lights on our desks. So quite the opposite of our real office.

"Married" doesn't change anything

Haha I finally remember what dream I was supposed to write about, a dream that has been haunting my mind since I saw it. It's hilarious.

I was at work and this "Gavin" had gotten engaged suddenly, and not told anyone. How this came to my information I've forgotten. However, I then wrote him on our internal chat "congratulations" and he replied "oh thanks". Then everyone started talking about it. I was angry at him because he was getting married. Then he asked if I wanted to come and check out the place and I was hesitating and then he said "But you have to see the dress, it costed 10.400". I thought "Who the fuck pays that much for a dress and why the hell is he so excited about a DRESS!". He showed me this space in our office and told me they were getting married there (in just a few hours or days). I thought it all sounded insane. Then he said "you can come if you want". But I told him that I didn't want to and he kept saying that I should come. Then I said "Do you really think that I want to see you get married" and he said "Well it doesn't change if I get married" and I said "What? So you mean nothing will change.. yeah right" and he said "Me being married won't change anything. Things between us will still be the same" and then he stroke my cheek and was close to kissing me. 

Interrupted by fire

"A" and I broke up on Monday, after 4 years and I feel lost. Even though I knew it has to be done, I don't know if I can live without him. All the thoughts in my head are a mess. I've dreamt of us since then, but nothing I can remember that well, only the that I dreamt about him. But I just had a dream about something else.

It was dark, like outside in the night. I was with someone (the only thing I remember is that he had dark brown hair, that was a bit over grown and started to curl up). There were many people around. I was really horny and the guy I was with and I lay down. He started lowering my shirt to touch my left breast. Others could see but I didn't care. My hard swollen round breast and hard nipple was out and the guy gently touched it and kissed it, and started to softly lick my nipple. It felt so good. Then some man said something and close by was a fire, I could see the darkness, the flames and the guys hair I was with and my breast and it just felt so good. The fire was taking over and we had to stop, then I woke. 

Previous dreams

I haven't had the time to write about my dreams lately. But I have two I can remember from December.

My sister borrowed my parents camera and when se returned it, she had forgot to delete the pictures, so looking though them with my mom we found pictures of her on some boat. Suddenly there was pictures of 3 guys she was with and they were standing naked, then there was a few close up pictures of their penises. We started laughing with my mom and were wondering why she'd have pictures like these. Then in hurry we realised we have to delete them quickly, before my dad sees them.

The other dream was of me being in a shopping mall. I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes opened. Then people started shooting and all the lights went out. I ran to the stairs and found myself somewhere high, sort of a rooftop or storage level. I tired to get away but the gunmen were everywhere. I could barely keep my eyes open. I found something to hide behind, then got a gun and shot one of the guys. I was trying to get to the stairs but my legs were so tired I could barely stand up and realised someone might be there so I just hid under a pile of cardboard. I was falling asleep. Suddenly some gangster ripped the cardboards that lay on top of me and said "Do you think you can hide from us?". He took me with him. I woke up in some small house, among other girls. It was a place behind this shopping mall, with pools, park benches some trees and a few small houses (well house is the wrong word, bigger than a changing booth but barely fit 5 people to lay on the floor. Some black guy came and said I had to do everything he want's or they'll kill me. So to stay alive I went along with being their "bitch". They gave me a swimsuit and I was supposed to hang out with the other girls in the pools. Then at one point I had my phone. I started texting my boyfriend (we were still together then) and then I got caught. The guy cam in the house and asked what I was doing and wanted to see. I said nothing, that I'm only catching up with my friends. We were allowed to text with friends, so that no one would think we're missing, but not our boyfriends or tell anyone where we are. He gave me clothes to wear and said I was supposed to go to the pool until he tells me (until he wants sex). I was changing out there in the open, slipped my clothes off and stood there half naked, but thought, "whatever". Then I got to my phone again and managed to text "A" "malls name, kidnapped, help". Then the gangsters start putting up things for a concert, while rap music was playing really loud. Suddenly they just started shooting at us with machine guns. I ran, found this alley that lead away, I saw "A" in his car, jumped in and asked him to drive away fast. His car was this really crappy one. I had to hold on to the door so that it would stay shut and the wheels were so worn out that they just slide on the road (even though it was summer). The gangsters were behind us. We got to this intersection and stopped in the lights and then drove away.