Earlier this week: Snuggling

I was for some reason with that co-worker I've had other dreams about. I was snuggling with him, talking about TV shows and showing him on the laptop what series he should watch. 

3 worlds collide

I was with my boyfriend and his family, there was some friends and my sister too on their summer place island (did not look like it does though). There was 2 sailboats coming in and they had their flags half way, like when someone has died. In my company boat the crew was a mix on people from work and a couple old classmates and then people I've never seen. One old classmate came up and introduced himself to my friend. Then I heard the flags where the way they were because of the two people who died in the plane crash (earlier dream). A while later a bunch of us were sitting on a picnic blanket and a friend blurted out about me and this guy and how I slept with him (never did in real life) and my sister was all "what?", then we were walking and my sister kept going on and on about "you know that (the guy) and (his ex) had an infection so good luck, have you checked that you haven't gotten it, because when you have it you have it". I have no idea what it was or why the hell I'd dream something like that. There was also some party and I'm beginning to forget more pieces now so... this has to be it.

Sexytime

I had a really hot moment with my boyfriend and we had really hot and great sex, the kind you see on TV, where 2 people who can't keep their hand off each other have sex for the first time. 

Did not make it to the flight - that crashed

Last night I had a few pretty clear dreams, although I have some parts I can't remember. First one:

I was running late from a flight. I was super stressed and standing in line for boarding and I was looking at the time, there was 10 minutes until the departure. I was just thinking I need a smoke before and if I just get through I can have my smoke before stepping on to the plane. When I was giving my boarding pass to the security guard I noticed I had my sisters and someone else's ticket and the guard told me I can't get on and there was something in the machine so he could not give me a new boarding pass. I told him I really need to get on the plane and I really need a smoke. He just said sorry we can't let you on the flight. I was so mad. I saw the plane take off, with my friends and some co-workers. The plane took off, made a turn and came straight back crashing on the ground. There were people coming out all injured and I saw flames. I saw a co-worker who said that 2 got killed. Then I saw the flight in my head and I remembered there was flames already when the plane took off, like the gas tank was leaking and burning. The rest is a blur.

In and out of love

My relationship to my boyfriend is super complicated, it's just not working out and he sees it to be my fault and I think it's his lack of sympathy and being there for me, instead of being an asshole like everyone else, is the cause. So apparently it is starting to hit me, that there will be the day when he dates someone else and now it's in my dreams. Even though we might be better off without "us", I still don't want him to be with someone else. I'd rather fix "us" than see that happen, but he needs to understand how he's been.

I was cleaning my car off my bf's stuff and found a bunch of empty bottles. I asked him and his guy friends to take everything that was his, but they left laughing with just some important things and left all the trash for me to clean up. Including empty bottles. I cleaned everything up and while I was doing so, I noticed my neighbours are out on a smoke on their balconies was staring at me. It was summer, everyone had plants of some sort of their balconies. I carried the trash and then came up with keeping one bottle with club soda in it, and someones strawberry bushes had spread all the way to the parking roof so I picked up some and chew them and spit them in the bottle. I shook the bottle, which almost exploded and I was walking around the parking house, which had 3 floor and not 2 like it has. I could not find my bf car, though he'd already moved all of them, even the last one without me knowing. I wanted to splash it with sticky liquids. In the garage, instead of normal family cars, basic economic cars, there were expensive ones like Porsche, Corvette, other older American cars like this white I think Camaro or Challenger... the white with a blue stripe. Longer in length than a Mustang. While I was walking there in the garage, I heard a cat miau. I was trying to see it, but I only saw a woman with her kid outside and thought that maybe the cat sound came from her kids stroller and not an actual cat. I gave up, went outside and looked around to see if I could see my bf's bike to trash it instead. Couldn't find it, so I took a sip of the drink, until I remembered that the soda had probably been opened 2 weeks ago. Oh at some point when I was walking to my car, I tried doing a ferris wheel but my sight was really blurry so I fell on the ground in the middle of it and was embarrassed when I noticed people saw that. Back in the house I had something going on with this other guy. This part is kind of a blur. 

The next thing I remember is:

We were in an electronics store with my bf and his mom, looking at ovens and other kitchen supply. We had never broken up so the whole situation felt really weird. He was looking at black or dark blue ovens and fund some really cheap one (because I was hoping he'd only find expensive enough that he can't afford to buy them, to have a nice clean new home. I wanted him to live in a dump, so no girl wants to date him, because I wanted to be with him, just not him to be the way he's been now. I asked if he had found a place, since he's looking at electronics. He said, yeah, in 2 weeks. I got surprised and nervous and sad. I said "well nice that someone told me". Then it came up that it's a rented apartments, so I was thinking that it's weird to look at new ovens for a rented place. When I found this tiny vacuum I showed it too him and said that atleast that's a small enough to own, he said that he'll just do like "this" (open the door to create a draft) and then it's thier problem who lives below him. I was just thinking about all the dog hair that will lay around all over and smell bad.Walking further in the store, I noticed him talking to this girl who was totally flirting with him. Just the type of trashy pathetic girls I can't stand. The one who'd do anything for a man, just to have them break up with their "once in a lifetime" love and in al they ways annoying. She had black hair and pencil eyebrows (not the super thin line but close), was probably at least 5 years younger than me and all flirty. We got in my bf's moms car and went driving around and it was winter. I asked my bf where the new place is and he told me and I was like "that's like nowhere, that's like a place where you NEVER go, unless you fall asleep on the drunk buss and end up there". We drove closer to the place to see what stores and so on there is. The was a food store, called "DICK USA", which was hilarious. We sort of somehow walked through it and I was saying that atleast they have soap and deoderant and to that my bf said "I get my from Bauhaus". And I asked "ooh so now you're dating that girl, is that why, since she works there!", and he said "I'm just tired of all the ones I've been using lately" (so all the ones I've bought him, the good and expensive ones). Along the way I fell a sleep and when I woke up, it was summer, I was in a horse carriage with my bf and his mom at the front and me and that "Bauhaus chick" in the carriage. She started talking to me and all I said was "Don't you talk to me!!!" "Don't you EVER talk to me!!". She sated brining up stuff that she wasn't even supposed to know. About this girl, who I had yelled at to stop budding in. And this Bauhaus girl, said that maybe if I hadn't done that, my bf would still be with me. And I told her I can show her how it went down and what happened and what I said. That other girl had gotten so upset she'd started to cry when I told her to stop budding in my life. I was so mad at my bf's new girl that while I was talking to her my gum flew in her lap, she thought it was spit so she didn't notice. Then she went on and on about her and my bf. "You know when you are like Carita (the cry baby), you're a bit bigger (meaning FAT)", I stopped her, by telling her that at least I'm more than skin and bones and I have boobs, unlike her since my bf likes boobs. His new girl then said "yeah well I have 34D and started showing more of skin. Her boobs looked like B cup and that was when she was wearing a bra so... Then I told her "You'd better like it in the ass then". She said "Ooh pussy, ass whatever, although I prefer the pussy" and just laughed and I got so mad and annoyed. Had I had a gun I'd probably shot her. She went on and on about stuff about her pussy after that "Should I shave it like a moustache? Or ono, maybe just some shape? Or maybe all the way? At least it's in perfect shape, you know......"

Somewhere in the dream, I was standing at my house elevator and the new guy I was apparently hooking up with was there arguing with some other dude and then suddenly I just kissed him and then he said "So you want to be with me?" and I said "you know I can't say no to you". Then we agreed on calling later. 

In that hors carriage ride I was thinking about that situation. Ok apparently we had something going on, but we haven't had sex, even though I somehow knew how it felt, but could not imagine me having sex with that guy. Then I remembered my bf (or maybe ex) will start a new job on Monday, and his boss will be that guy I was apparently seeing. 

I'm now, awake and angry, sad, worried, confused and afraid of what will ever happen if we break up and he starts dating someone else. I even had this thought that man would it be cool if he started dating someone and I could then just tell her "so he's told you I'm having his baby?". Even though I'm not pregnant, but I'd like to be, rather than be in this situation... because getting there would solve all the problems in my life right now.

Weird dreams continues...

Last night I had several dreams that were just "wtf?". I can only remember small pieces:

1. I parked my Camper (first wtf?, I'd never buy one) on the side of the road since there were firemen and a firetruck on the sidewalk so I could not park there, nor anywhere that would block their way. I was on a road outside my grandparents house and then thought that I could park in their parking space but then I'd have to call them, and I can't be bothered to talk to anyone. I wasn't sure if the side of the road was gonna hold my car, especially since I was to sleep on the side closer to the edge. I pushed the car a bit and down it went and crashed.

2. Something with some building and windows and doors and a plan on how to get in and out. Ain't sure if I was to save someone or steal something.

3. Some island, with my sister and mom and dad. At the end we were waiting for my boyfriends friend and then saw him and this other friend of all of ours and my boyfriends friend barely knew me.. (he knows me well for real) and I was confused. Then we were getting on his boat, which was his dads and named after his sister (not real sister, the name wasn't familiar). Anyhow, it was hard getting on the boat and when I finally did with my sister I went upstairs and started telling that there are huge floating logs in the sea behind the boat, while the guy who's all of our friends was backing out and getting us ready for open waters. He said something like "I know, you don't have to tell me what to do".. or something and I replied "yeah well I just thought that I'd tell you that there are logs in the water".

Reading the dreams

When I look back at what has been happening in my life the past few weeks and I read in to my dreams, the dreams really tell me the same things I know, but it's kind of creepy that my mind tells me these things through images. To the right there's a link to dream moods and looking up "Driving", the part where you can't see where you are going, "Elephant" and especially the white elephant, "Elevator" and "Seashells". Those are all the things and thoughts that have been going through my head. And the biggest thing is that I really don't know what to do with my life. No matter what I do or how good I do it, I always have to just prove myself to everyone, more and more and no one helps me out or even tries to ease the daily level of stress and load. I know the solution but no one seems to care. And then there is the relationship issues. I know what I want, but me and my bf are not on the same page anymore and I don't know what to do. Also the thing with getting pregnant. It would ease my life situation but also could be the worst thing to happen. But at this point in my life, I'd like to start over and stop getting pushed down all the time. I'd want meaning to my life, or at least the respect I deserve. I've kinda of been hoping that my headache, tiredness and emotional emptiness and feeling sick would be "a mistake" due to change of birth control but I think it's just me being depressed and stressed and maybe I have some infection and just regular back pain that is causing the physical symptoms. I kind of would just want to start over, to be appreciated and get what I deserve without having to prove it 10 times and still just get the "we'll see"...

You're getting married? "yeah..... to S"

Another crazy dream was about that guy from work. We had some "chemistry" between us and we were talking and close and I wanted him and then there were these boats and we ended up on one, with some people from work and this one co-worker was asking him "So your getting married?" and the guy said "Yeah.....(super long pause)... to S" and I got mad and said something to whoever it was I was talking to. The weird thing is that his baby-mama's name is not anything close to the name "S".

Seashells

Again referring to the weird dreams the past few weeks, one was me being abroad, and at some beach place with some sort of an aquarium and outside was this beach and it was getting late but I really wanted to pick some seashells. 

Sex affair with a famous rapper

I met this famous rapper. I had just broke up with "A" and I met the rapper guy. We started having a sex affair and he had a huge penis (like Jamie from BB Australia). I thought "woooow that's huge". I hang out with his posse and at one point we were in an elevator, then we were at my place which looked like shit (like "A"'s last place) and partially because he was still living with me and packing. I was there with the rapper and his posse and me and the guy was kissing and having sex and then "A" was there in the room packing his stuff and looked with teary eyes and said "It's really not cool that you do that while I'm here". Later the guys sat around in the living room and kitchen and the rapper said to "A" "sorry dude about all of this, but you know it's not like I'm gonna be together with (my name)" and I was "wait what?".. then I'm not sure if the dream switched to another or if it just jumped to something else but me and "A" were somewhere abroad (I think it was supposed to be Thailand) and we were going to the beach and suddenly people were screaming and running away from the water (which was super deep just a few steps from the beach) because there was a shark warning. Suddenly these huge white elephants and other animals were swimming in the water attacking people. They looked like ghosts would look like and they were the "sharks". "A" and I started walking away and I said to him something like "I wish you'd shave, I don't like it when you have a beard" and when I looked at him, it was my exexex "H", my super ugly ex! I can't understand how I could ever date that guy.

Driving with an icy window

Referred to the last post one dream was: I was on my way to work. My car window was foggy and then it turned icy. I was driving on the highway and could not see anything and I was really scared that I'd crash. I occasionally saw some of the traffic but whatever I did to try and see more, the fogginess and ice just got worse. 

Lots of weird dreams

The past 2 weeks I've had a terrible headache and I've seen so many longer dreams. They seem so real and I can remember them the minute I wake up, but most of the time I've fallen asleep pretty quickly again, and when I wake in the morning I can only remember small pieces. It's like my mind is going crazy. And the dreams are all the kind that I'm scared, stressed out, angry or depressed when I wake up.