My relationship to my boyfriend is super complicated, it's just not working out and he sees it to be my fault and I think it's his lack of sympathy and being there for me, instead of being an asshole like everyone else, is the cause. So apparently it is starting to hit me, that there will be the day when he dates someone else and now it's in my dreams. Even though we might be better off without "us", I still don't want him to be with someone else. I'd rather fix "us" than see that happen, but he needs to understand how he's been.
I was cleaning my car off my bf's stuff and found a bunch of empty bottles. I asked him and his guy friends to take everything that was his, but they left laughing with just some important things and left all the trash for me to clean up. Including empty bottles. I cleaned everything up and while I was doing so, I noticed my neighbours are out on a smoke on their balconies was staring at me. It was summer, everyone had plants of some sort of their balconies. I carried the trash and then came up with keeping one bottle with club soda in it, and someones strawberry bushes had spread all the way to the parking roof so I picked up some and chew them and spit them in the bottle. I shook the bottle, which almost exploded and I was walking around the parking house, which had 3 floor and not 2 like it has. I could not find my bf car, though he'd already moved all of them, even the last one without me knowing. I wanted to splash it with sticky liquids. In the garage, instead of normal family cars, basic economic cars, there were expensive ones like Porsche, Corvette, other older American cars like this white I think Camaro or Challenger... the white with a blue stripe. Longer in length than a Mustang. While I was walking there in the garage, I heard a cat miau. I was trying to see it, but I only saw a woman with her kid outside and thought that maybe the cat sound came from her kids stroller and not an actual cat. I gave up, went outside and looked around to see if I could see my bf's bike to trash it instead. Couldn't find it, so I took a sip of the drink, until I remembered that the soda had probably been opened 2 weeks ago. Oh at some point when I was walking to my car, I tried doing a ferris wheel but my sight was really blurry so I fell on the ground in the middle of it and was embarrassed when I noticed people saw that. Back in the house I had something going on with this other guy. This part is kind of a blur.
The next thing I remember is:
We were in an electronics store with my bf and his mom, looking at ovens and other kitchen supply. We had never broken up so the whole situation felt really weird. He was looking at black or dark blue ovens and fund some really cheap one (because I was hoping he'd only find expensive enough that he can't afford to buy them, to have a nice clean new home. I wanted him to live in a dump, so no girl wants to date him, because I wanted to be with him, just not him to be the way he's been now. I asked if he had found a place, since he's looking at electronics. He said, yeah, in 2 weeks. I got surprised and nervous and sad. I said "well nice that someone told me". Then it came up that it's a rented apartments, so I was thinking that it's weird to look at new ovens for a rented place. When I found this tiny vacuum I showed it too him and said that atleast that's a small enough to own, he said that he'll just do like "this" (open the door to create a draft) and then it's thier problem who lives below him. I was just thinking about all the dog hair that will lay around all over and smell bad.Walking further in the store, I noticed him talking to this girl who was totally flirting with him. Just the type of trashy pathetic girls I can't stand. The one who'd do anything for a man, just to have them break up with their "once in a lifetime" love and in al they ways annoying. She had black hair and pencil eyebrows (not the super thin line but close), was probably at least 5 years younger than me and all flirty. We got in my bf's moms car and went driving around and it was winter. I asked my bf where the new place is and he told me and I was like "that's like nowhere, that's like a place where you NEVER go, unless you fall asleep on the drunk buss and end up there". We drove closer to the place to see what stores and so on there is. The was a food store, called "DICK USA", which was hilarious. We sort of somehow walked through it and I was saying that atleast they have soap and deoderant and to that my bf said "I get my from Bauhaus". And I asked "ooh so now you're dating that girl, is that why, since she works there!", and he said "I'm just tired of all the ones I've been using lately" (so all the ones I've bought him, the good and expensive ones). Along the way I fell a sleep and when I woke up, it was summer, I was in a horse carriage with my bf and his mom at the front and me and that "Bauhaus chick" in the carriage. She started talking to me and all I said was "Don't you talk to me!!!" "Don't you EVER talk to me!!". She sated brining up stuff that she wasn't even supposed to know. About this girl, who I had yelled at to stop budding in. And this Bauhaus girl, said that maybe if I hadn't done that, my bf would still be with me. And I told her I can show her how it went down and what happened and what I said. That other girl had gotten so upset she'd started to cry when I told her to stop budding in my life. I was so mad at my bf's new girl that while I was talking to her my gum flew in her lap, she thought it was spit so she didn't notice. Then she went on and on about her and my bf. "You know when you are like Carita (the cry baby), you're a bit bigger (meaning FAT)", I stopped her, by telling her that at least I'm more than skin and bones and I have boobs, unlike her since my bf likes boobs. His new girl then said "yeah well I have 34D and started showing more of skin. Her boobs looked like B cup and that was when she was wearing a bra so... Then I told her "You'd better like it in the ass then". She said "Ooh pussy, ass whatever, although I prefer the pussy" and just laughed and I got so mad and annoyed. Had I had a gun I'd probably shot her. She went on and on about stuff about her pussy after that "Should I shave it like a moustache? Or ono, maybe just some shape? Or maybe all the way? At least it's in perfect shape, you know......"
Somewhere in the dream, I was standing at my house elevator and the new guy I was apparently hooking up with was there arguing with some other dude and then suddenly I just kissed him and then he said "So you want to be with me?" and I said "you know I can't say no to you". Then we agreed on calling later.
In that hors carriage ride I was thinking about that situation. Ok apparently we had something going on, but we haven't had sex, even though I somehow knew how it felt, but could not imagine me having sex with that guy. Then I remembered my bf (or maybe ex) will start a new job on Monday, and his boss will be that guy I was apparently seeing.
I'm now, awake and angry, sad, worried, confused and afraid of what will ever happen if we break up and he starts dating someone else. I even had this thought that man would it be cool if he started dating someone and I could then just tell her "so he's told you I'm having his baby?". Even though I'm not pregnant, but I'd like to be, rather than be in this situation... because getting there would solve all the problems in my life right now.
Ei kommentteja:
Lähetä kommentti