Beginning of March 2018: Practice and sex...

Lately I've had 2 things that stress me out: my upcoming practice in a hospital (for the fist time) and whether or not I will have sex with this one guy, or not. We had a shower together 2 weeks ago and he said the sex will come "next time"... But when is "next time". At times it seems like there won't be a next time, and then suddenly he might surprise me with a picture, but that's all I get. So I had a dream where we had sex, but all I could see was us before and after. Then I've had dreams where A has somehow interrupted everything.

Last night I was in some poolarea on a party late at night with my friends, wore a green bikini and was hugged by my friend L. We were close but it was just as friends. He has a way of hugging very passionately, so one girl said to me "looks like you want more, you know he's taken, right? so you're basically cheating". I won't lie, the touch and hugs felt good, but for real, he's not the one I want, it's M..

I've also had several dreams of me being in a hospital for practice and even though I try my best, my teacher is not satisfied. I've had to watch over a patient after surgery, who was still covered in blood all over, and help in daily stuff, having everyone mad at me for not helping. Last night it was my first day again and we were sitting in a room waiting to be picked up by our supervisors, and one guy had forgot to bring toothpaste so he got shower duty, as a punishment. And I was put in the wrong waiting-room with another girl. 

Jan 1-3rd, 2018: Sex

I haven't been dreaming much for the past 6 months. I've been stressed out and slept very poorly. But after a New Years Kiss, something changed, and since, I've had sex in my dreams, every night:

Jan 1st: The guy who kissed me, Newbie, on New Years Eve, was in my dreams. We were hanging out at my place. H looked at my sheets and asked when I have changed them. I told him within a week, they looked like they were just changed. He still asked if I could change them. Then I lay on his lap and he was rubbing my boobs. Then I was touching his chest and his tattoos (which he don´t have in real life) and he was looking at mine. I really needed to go to the toilet (poop) so we both went to the bathroom (separate) and cleaned up before having sex. 

Jan 2nd: I had sex with John Beaver, also a friend from the New Years party. Can't remember much more than the kissing before...

I also got an offer to come back to work. But I had my school (I'm studying to become a nurse), so I was struggling with going back or staying in school, of if it was possible to do both, since there was a risk that I'd have work 2 years and then again get laid off because of cost cuts. 

Jan 3rd: I was visiting my old job, which had moved to new premises. They had a party and I saw Gavin flirting and then kissing another old co-worker. I asked if he was like that since I left and another co-worker told me he's been sleeping around with all the girls. And that his wife (or fiancé) knows it.  I pulled him aside and asked what the hell he's doing and why he's after that nasty woman. We fought a while and then decided that we're going to go have sex. So we took a hotel room  At the respepion the lady told she only had one room left, and it's nice byt has ants in the sink. Gavin hesitated and I told him we're not going to need the kitchen so does it matter? However we got another room, and went and had great sex. Afterwards it really felt like we finally had the best sex.

June 2017: Something about this time of the year (still a single mom)

I've had some dreams, one about my apartment being renovated even though it's a 6 months old building. And my dad dying in an accident and my mom and me talking that "It'd been better if he'd been alone in the car". I think he had a heart attack or something.

And then... Gavin is back. It's been 4,5 years since he kissed me. 3,5 years since we almost had sex, and 3 years since we had sex. He's still haunting me. I haven't even had dreams about my ex, as often as I do of Gavin. Usually if it's about the ex, he's done something wrong with our kid to piss me off and not trust him. But about Gavin the dreams seem to reflect on me being afraid he will (or already have) forget me. Within one week: I was going to meet Gavin, and I saw him walking towards me, when suddenly his fiancé showed up, next to him. Dressed super nice in a skirt and lace top. She smiled and said my name, like we were friends. I was disappointed since I thought I would get to be alone with Gavin. I started walking away from them. A couple of nights ago I got angry at Gavin. I was standing next to him, talking to him, but he didn't seem to notice me, at all. I was screaming for his attention, but still, nothing. I kicked him in the ass, and he saw me, but looked right through me, like I was air....

April 17th: What to wear for Gavin

I was getting food at the company canteen and I noticed Gavin. I went to change to a white summer dress, and when I got back I realised I needed a bra, since my nipples was maybe visible through the fabric. When I got back, Gavin was gone. He never even noticed me. I sat down and started planning on putting the blue shoulderless dress on tomorrow, so that he'd see me sexy, if he's eating at the same time as I am. 

April 16th: Moving (single mom)

I was moving to another apartment in our building, a smaller one, but it had a terrace and a small yard. It was however on the ground floor, and very close to the road. I was re-thinking the move since I was worried someone would break in and steal my cats, or break a window and the cats would run away. Then I realised the apartment had a plastig floor, not wooden like my current home. The toilet and shower had a whole body window straight towards the road, although the shower door was milk glass. I was ready to back off the move, but my other neighbours, Danny & Eve, had already started to pack my things and move in, in my apartment, even though there was still 1,5 weeks left for me to move out. I was upset since she'd packed all my facial creams and I could not find them after a shower.

April 15th: Kissing a friend (single mom)

I was hanging out with Joe, and thinking about kissing him, since there was something in the air. We kissed and I felt something, again... Then we just went on like nothing, and I was wondering if he liked it or if it was just a kiss. 

April 4th: Friends with benefiths (single mom)

A dream with a workout cycle, spa, swimming, blueberries, my sisters company retreat day, some investigator...

There was a family party and my first boyfriend, Chris, was there, with his family. We had something going on and I suggested sex after we kissed. The dream ended. 

The same dream continued and I wondered if we should have sex again. Chris said yes, and that Thursdays would be good, and we should text about it, using code words, so his wife doesn't understand. They then left and Chris' dad was downstairs in Anns house, really hung over. 

March 9th: I want you (single mom)

I was in Germany, and living in Denmark. I met my old friend Ae. We were drinking and then suddenly my collegue Jane, from Denmark, was with us. She was super drunk and stood on a table. She had no panties and only a short light blue dress on. Ae was drooling over her "parts" and I tried to tell her to sit down and him to let it go. Then were were talking and Ae kissed me. After that I could not let him go, we were kissing a lot. Then when I had to leave we made a deal to meet again, soon. I was thinking if he'd be ready to be a dad to my girl... if it got serious. Then his sister was there and he was trying to hide our thing, just to be a little secreative. 

March 8th: Always late (single mom)

I was going to an etrance exam an I was always late. First my mom drove on the wrong side of the highway to oncoming traffic and there was my 2 neighbours with us, I was ceuing that we're 10 minutes late and now I won't get in!!! Then I needed the toilet and found just one with lots of doors and basically no privacy, and when I was peeing a male friend popped up from a booth and saw me since the walls were mirrors, ans I asked him not to look. Then in the last one mu dad drove me, but we had didficulties finding a parking space. When he did, he accidentally put on reverse and almost hit a truck. My dads car was unharmed, but the truck got big white lines. The owner came out of a house and started shouting. My dads car actually never hit the truck... I had to run to the exam. 

I wonder if this is a sign that I'm pursuing the wrong line of work, even though it's my passion...?

Feb 22nd, 2017: Stuck in a hotel (single mom)

I was at the movies when suddenly some bad guys came in with guns. Every one tried to escape in the dark room but there were some bad guys sitting in the seats, so you never knew who you were passing. I got away, to my hotel room (apparently the movie theatre was in the same building). I was with a friend and we were looking for ways to escape. Close to my room there was a cleaning closet, which was all white, with an air shaft, so we tired to follow some girl who went up. We got in, but I was so big I barely got through the hole. We had to get back down however because the next hole was half as big. I hid in my room. It felt like I had been there for weeks, when a friend of mine came and asked what I was still doing there. We went out of my room, downstairs to the pool area. Since the hotel was empty, and we were already there, we thought we might as well stay and relax. I didn't have anything nice to wear, so we went through the swim wear they were selling. Since the hotel was empty, who would care if we just took new ones. I found a good piece and then suddenly the old hotel manager, who was one of the bad guys, came dressed as a waiter and wanted to charge us 20 bux for a cup of coffee. I said something like "oh, so things didn't turn out so well for you". Then suddenly people started pouring in and everywhere I looked there was someone I've had sex with, Larry, Tony, El Nino.. up to 10 guys, and I was nervous that they'd all find out that I've slept with all of them, since some were friends. I was also stressed that they'd see the fat and cellulite I still have left after my pregnancy. 

Feb 4th, 2017: Trip to Turkey (single mom)

I was on a school trip in Turkey. We were on a steam boat and our teacher told us that we are not allowed to "touch" each other in "romantic ways". I needed to go to the toilet, but there was no paper, however after a while I did find soma and could go. The Tonys sister (Anet) asked me to take pictures, but they were all blurry. We were then in the water, swimming and my guy (who was a mix of A, Larry and Gavin) was touching me, playing with me in the water, and made me all horny. The water was incredible, so clear and warm and turquoise, but close by, at shore, they were tearing a huge house down, so there was a awful noise. When the night came, me and my guy were about to have sex but we didn't because he had issues with Anet, who he had sex with the night before, but he wanted me really bad. The next morning we were in Germany, and there were houseboats, like in Amsterdam Holland. I was telling someone who was going to stay there, about the houseboats and pirates. Before we were leaving, we went to that nice swimming place again, this time in a rubber dinghy, and I tried to get room to sit, but Anet was taking the whole space in front o my guy. When finally there I was really stressed on where to put my phone, so that I could take pictures, but so it doesn't get wet, and if I were to leave it on the beach, that no one will steal it. 

Jan 7th, 2017: Lost at the airport (single mom)

I was at a party, drinking. That guy my sister is putting me on a date with was there and the next thing I remember is that I was at the airport  just getting out of one plane and supposed to have another fligt, or get my bags. I saw the guy but never spoke to him. I think I was avoiding him, becuse we had been super drunk and I think we had sex, vut I wasn't sure. The airport was super complicated and huge. These stairs went up and down and swerly flat and I was totally lost. I just followed others and finally I knew how to get to the baggage point.

December 18th: Cake and a fwb (single mom)

Another weird night

At work (my old job at DB). There was some party and cake. I had some, but could not have as much as I wanted since I needed to go to the toilet. My stomach was turning and I felt I need to go now! I did not want anyone to see so I thought I'd go home or something. When I was leaving I met Gavin on the way. I thought, No not him of everyone, not now. We joked around for a while and I was thinking how weird his blond curly hair was looking, like he'd gotten a perm. 

I had A's sister, cousin and cousins mom over. A was dressed really nice, had cologne and had shaved his awful beard. I asked if he was supposed to meet someone when he was all "fancy". He said yes. That he has a Tinder date while C is sleeping. He was going to stay at my place until her nap time, go on a date and then come back. I started crying and yelling that he's the worst. That he chose drugs over his family, then when I leave him he decides to quit and then THIS! All his family members were interested in was her. Not what he was doing to me and our family. I asked about the other girl and he told me her name, and where she lives. And said that for once he'll be with someone good looking. I just yelled at him and his family for being so mean and at my house, only interested in his new fwb or girlfriend to be, when he's hurt me and done what he did to his family. I told him he's never to step foot in my home again, and from now on, until we have a meeting with child protective services about his time with C and alimony, he will not see C more than 1h once a week, outside on our house playground. I fell asleep and saw the same again. Fell asleep and saw the same again. Fell asleep, and again this same hurtful dream.

December 17th: ?? (single mom)

I had a long super weird dream. Something with A and maybe Gavin. I'm not sure anymore and it's all on the tip of my tongue but I just can't remember. Something about sex and that guy my sister is setting me up with... hmm.

December 16th: Twins (single mom)

I had twins, one girl one boy. A was the dad. I was alone with them too, as I was with C. I was trying to breastfeed them both at the same time. 

December 10th: Groupie love (single mom)

I was in the home of one of Slipknots members. He wasn't a current member, he was someone new. I can't remember how I ended up there, if it was some accident, a horror story, if I was watchin a movie about a horror story or what. I needed to go to the bathroom, and after a while the guy asked if I was finished, that he needed to take a shower. He had only a towel around him when I opened the door. I stood there talking  to him, and he took of his towel and smiled and said I should probably go now. So I stood there with his towel in my hands, had a super quick look at his penis, both smiled and I focused on keepin my eyes on his eyes. Then I waited on his sofa. Later we went through my pictures and Facebook and i showed him I had been at Sid's a few years back and he called him "Silver" (instead of DJ Starscream). This guy had also put a flagstick in a flowerpot outside his house, with my country's flag on. We sat there on the sofa talking about my previous hangouts with Slipknot and the band in general. Then we kissed. It was weird, kind of like when 2 kids do it... The rest is a blur.

December 5th, 2016: Gavin is back (single mom)

I've had some dreams lately, but fotget them almost the minute I open my eyes. But last night, I had one long dream, already starting to forget things, but I'll try and remember what I can:

I was in the city, eating, next to Gavin, his friend and kids. At some point I was at their table. My mom asked if I was to go to the soccer game, she'd left tickets to. Tickets me and my sister had loked at earlier. I was confused, then thought I could go. When we were all walking away Gavin shouted (as a joke) "You'll never see me again" and I shouted back "I don't care"... I though I should've said something funnier. I started running to make it. Then thinking about posting a picture of me, holding a beer, at a soccer game, just hoping there'll be lots of people or it would be embarrassing. Soon I was in a hotel, with Tony (although I was supposed to be having an affair with A). We were to have an affair. We started making out. All I could see from mirrors were me in a t-shirt, undies and cellulite filled legs. We tried to avoid being seen from the restaurants at ground level, not minding to close the curtains. We went on kissing and touching.. then suddenly he just stopped and started to make a mess of the place. I asked him to stop since I have to clean it all up, and the sticky fluid he was pouring on the carpets was going to be impossible to clean. Then asked why he was suddenly really rude and stopped caring about having sex, he said "I already jerkerd off 1h ago, since it takes for you forever, when you used to have come 4 times in the same time". I told him I have never done that... an besides it's easier now after birth". The rest is a blur. However the dream had lots more about Gavin that I can remember.

November 14th: Old place and Don't mess with me (single mom)

For many weeks, I've had dreams, but I forget them as soon as I open my eyes, and the only memory I have, is the feeling they caused.

We've separated with A, and C and I moved to our own place. Last night I had a dream that I went over to our old apartment, I saw stuff in the window, but the place was still empty. Then I drove back there another day and went in the apartment through the balcony (4th floor). Inside were furniture that I have sold or thrown out. Some baby stuff and our lost mail. I took the mail (well, the important ones) and left. At the ground floor one really annoying neighbour saw me and stared asking a bunch of questions. I left in a hurry, only to not remember where my car was parked. I then started worrying about the new people finding out I've been there since my mail was picked up. I later found myself at the apartment again, when the new owner came in and had some story about me being a cleaning lady or coming in to see if my mail had been delivered there and the door was open because of the cleaning lady. 


I was going to the gym with A, in a really bad mood since he was the typical him, really annoying. When I came in, a friend of ours, Lassie asked if I wanted to go the one gym or where (can't remember name) was. When I got to the locker room some twice as big as me, girl came an threatened me with scissors in her hand. I started yelling at her to bud off, that she can go fu** herself and I'm not int he mood and since it's my friend (Tony), who owns the place, I can have her banned for life, at any second. I then got to be by myself... And even though a gym, somehow I was more to go swimming. 

October 3rd: Gavin again (single mom)

I was having lunch with Sally, Gavin and some other old co-workers. I sat across the table from Gavin, having my feet close to his under the table, thinking about playing under the table. I had ordered 3 t-shirts for him, and had them at my desk (secretly). He came by my desk and said "Could I have that newspaper" (meaning the newspaper with the bag of shirts between it). I handed over the bag, and he was all "no no no" and looking around to see that no one is watching, so he could hide the bag inside the newspaper. Then when he already had the bag, I remembered that there is my address on the package.

I was walking home, and at a round-about there was one black boy (20-something) and one muslim. They both had triggers, and pushed a red button. I realised they were suicide bombers and was just waiting for there to be enough people to kill. I started running away from them, took cover from a street sign and then found a tunnel in the ground. In the tunnel there were 2 US soldiers. I told them about the bombers, and they said they know about them. Then I heard 2 loud noises, like 2 bombs went off, and then the soldiers said "the danger is over, you can go now". 

October 2nd: Travelling (single mom)

I was on a huge cargo type ship, in the middle of the night, in the middle of freezing winter. It was super beautiful, with a black sky, light blue icebergs and a dark sea. I was sitting at the edge in the front, taking pictures and sending them through WhatsApp to my parents. Then I almost slipped, and realised I have C inside, sleeping, without a lifejacket. 

I was in Greece with my mom and dad, and we all were hanging out at the pool. Then suddenly we were on the beach, where it was really shallow water for as far as you could see. I was thinking about taking pictures and posting them on Instagram, but I didn't have my phone on me. Then we noticed a snake, which we all followed, to a place where the beach was divided by a fallen tree. The other side was super dirty with garbage and pieces of trees on the beach and floating in the water.